Lazarus Long once said: "A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits." Well, kiddies, here's your chance to get nasty! Send your poems about Barsoom, or ERB, oh, heck, ANY world of Burroughs, and I'll publish it here. Send to: Make Me Famous! Anonymous submissions considered, but I'd rather you say: "Print my name!"
Ode to the Grand Master
David Bruce Bozarth
At the end of his dreams, near destitute
Just inches away from a landlord's boot
By a pencil sharpener sat a man;
With pen in hand,
He wrote so grand
First Carter, then Tarzan.
With babes to feed he courted greed
Bleeding his soul into words to breed
Romantic adventures and foreign lands
And at newstands
The people band
In lines for Carter and Tarzan.
From that beginning ere 1912
Swashbucklers all with nary an elf
Stalwart heroes magna cum grand!
Tales of grit and sand,
Soft maidens' hands--
Hail, father of Carter and Tarzan!
Remarking The Barsoomian Thoat
David Bruce Bozarth
O, steed of the dead sea bottoms,
valiant heart pounding,
racing across ochre sward
beneath the ruddy light of Thuria,
whence comes thy titantic strength,
thy inexhaustible stamina,
thy good presence in battle?
Sturdy, swift limbs carry thy warrior
to grim glory, be he red or green,
black, white or yellow.
Battle Song of the Torquasian Warriors
J. G. Huckenpöhler
Out across the desert sand,
Laying waste the fertile land:
Deadly spears in every hand--
For Torquas charge!
On your thoats, then, men of Torquas, ride!
Lance and longsword, turn the battle's tide!
Till our war-thoats all go lame,
Till the red men fall in shame,
Till all Barsoom quakes at our name:
For Torquas charge!
On your thoats, then, men of Torquas, ride!
Lance and longsword, turn the battle's tide!
Mighty Helium shall fall,
None shall answer Duhor's call,
Lothar's bowmen vanquished all:
For Torquas, charge!
Our first limerick
Elmo Lincoln (Jeff Long)
There once was a man from Jasoom
whose sword slashed through the horde of Warhoon
He defeated old Issus
With incredible slices
Now he's the Warlord of Barsoom
Shame of the Sorak
David Bruce Bozarth
Fellow soraks, alack, alas
We're nothing like Earthling cats!
Negligently cited
As something benighted
Let's go kick ERB's ___!
Sittin' On A Busted Quay
(With apologies to Otis Redding)
David Bruce Bozarth
I'm sittin' on a busted quay, wanting tides to roll away
Sittin' on a busted quay, the rest of my life.
I left my home in Gathol, looking for the Dusor Bay
2,000 haads I've travelled, but there's nothing here today.
I'm sittin' on a busted quay, wanting tides to roll away
Sittin' on a busted quay, the rest of my life.
No surf, no ships, no welcome, from fishermen tending their nets.
The dust from dead sea bottoms, hold memories of being wet.
I'm sittin' on a busted quay, wanting tides to roll away
Sittin' on a busted quay, the rest of my life.
Look! There's martians riding on thoats,
I hope they won't slice my throat.
Why can't people live peacefully
Instead of makin' pieces of me?
So back to the deserts I'll go, dead seas hold no interest you know.
Just 'cause there's no water at home, doesn't mean I can't farm that loam.
Sittin' on a busted quay, wanting tides to roll away
Sittin' on a busted quay, the rest of my life.
In Cold Desert Light
Charles "Thoat" Gramlich
A failed flier. A Warlord walks
Strides for Helium in the dark
Never caring what rude beasts stalk
From savage Banth to deadly Thark
Yet the night is not lorn as it seems
A hundred eyes are quick to follow
But in those orbs no light gleams
For all are empty, the sockets hollow
All those bodies John Carter killed
Risen up from death to seek his life
Stirred again, called up and willed
By a new mastermind, a lord of strife
A quick rush of feet stirs the dust
In cold desert light of Martian moons
And swords are drawn, black with rust
The dead are coming across the dunes
The Warlord hears and spins around
Sees his enemy. Their shadows loom
And from their throats an awful sound
Calls John Carter, shrieks his doom
There is no fear in Carter's face
He draws his steel and gives a yell
For the attack, his muscles brace
His blade swings, rings like a bell
The air is thin and the lungs quiver
As John Carter goes out to war
Under wicked skies the swords shiver
And death, it seems not far
Though his enemies cannot be bled
And corpses raised don't die again
Carter hacks necks, cuts off a head
Kicks away skulls and lunges in
The moons pass, the dawn it creeps
The dead lie in pieces on the ground
Upon the last, John Carter leaps
Then walks on until he's found
The Ballad of Egregious Greg
J. G. Huckenpöhler
and David Bruce Bozarth
(with apologies to Edgar Rice Burroughs
and Robert W. Service,)
There's a story told in bars in the wilder parts of Mars
(And I'm not about to say that it is true)
Of a miner known as Greg--a most peculiar egg--
And a half-caste Martian girl named Dejah Vu.
(She claimed to be Dejah Thoris's half-sister.)
Nylosyrtis' mining town, with its tailings all around
Was the only place that Greg could call a home.
For he'd come up from the mines, and pay off all his fines,
And then from bar to bar he'd start to roam.
Of all the sleazy bars out among the scattered stars
The sleaziest by far was "Dirty Kal's."
And of all the cheap saloons beneath the Martian moons,
It was Kal's to which Greg stumbled with his pals.
But there he sobered quickly--though his voice came more thickly--
When he saw Dejah there behind the bar,
And of all the girls he'd seen (which were few and far between)
He swore she was the loveliest by far.
Her complexion, it was mottled; her hair was from a bottle;
To lovesick Greg it mattered not a whit.
At her feet he threw his pick, and said, "Come with me, quick,
My Princess, and we'll gad about a bit."
Now all the miners know, after just a week or so,
That you don't go messing 'round with Martian dames.
For they've husbands, fathers, brothers, or "significant others"
Who'll avenge with gun or blade their ladies' shame.
But it seems that Greg and Vu had a secret rendesvous
One cold and dark and stormy Barsoom night;
Wherein they found a flyer, a Phor Tak Forty-niner
And disappeared into the raging night.
"Oh, Dear," cried Dejah Vu, "What are we both to do?"
The maiden cringed, she nearly screamed with fright.
"Have no fear, my comely dear," scoffed our hero with a sneer,
"I'll protect you with my oh-so-manly might."
The flyer was swept higher and it seemed the sky afire
and our Greg struggled hard with the controls.
"You know it is the season for the wind to blow unreasoned
perhaps we should have taken just a stroll!"
Across the face of Barsoom was swept the lovebird twosome
'Til the Forty-niner smacked into a hill.
And as it caught afire, Greg saved them both from dire
consequence as items bar-be-que!
By then it was a-dawning, and Vu stood a-yawning
While Greg contemplated what to do,
When to the west came clanking, a mighty noise a-making
And a terrifying host hove into view!
"Oh dear!" cried Vu a-shaking, "Oh my!" she wailed, a-quaking
"Oh mother's precious tiny pet sorak!
"'Tis Warhoons, Thurds or Tharks, those most malevolent sharks
of this dusty dead sea bottom cul-de-sac!"
Now our fearless miner Greg, that so heroic egg,
reached quick for sword or knife by which to save them.
Vu knew her too dear twit was armed with just a pick
An insufficient tool by which to do gross mayhem.
Now Vu in all her glory (of course, it's her true story!)
Spoke sweetly to prevent a terrible fight.
"If you spare my man Greg," the poor dear girl begged,
"I'll show you one hell of a night!"
The bold Jed of the Warhoons, a cold 'Hoon known as the 'Toon,
said "Mars girls are a 'lovers' delight.'"
So, Greg was bound tightly and Vu said "Good nighty,"
and the Warhoon took Vu from Greg's sight.
But with the coming of dawn the lovebirds were gone
The Great Jed Toon's rage could light a fire--
For among her hidden charms was an extra pair of arms
Bequeathed by an unknown Tharkish sire!
FINIS
Tars Han of the Apes
Chris Holt
Listen my children and you shall hear
A fantastic tale that emerged from my beer.
A prince of Barsoom and his darling wife
Set out in a ship to begin a new life;
An atmosphere plant they were going to run
Replacing the old man whose time there was done.
But Black Pirate Michael aboard the air craft
Mutinied, killed the dwar, let the ship waft
Hither and thither, not knowing the way
To anywhere; so after a day
When they found Lost Horz and the prince wanted off
Dropped him and his bride there; they then heard the cough
Of a great white ape, come to have a look see
At who was disturbing their afternoon tea.
The prince and his princess took refuge in flight,
And found a safe building while there was still light.
Not easy was life for the castaway pair;
Of apes and Green Martians they had to beware.
Despite all the dangers, an egg they soon laid
But the mother's mind twisted through being afraid;
And after the hatching one day they were found
By an ape tribe that killed the two; then with a bound
An ex-mother ape quickly sprang to the child,
Defended him well, sang the call of the wild.
He followed her, loved her, grew up as an ape,
Believed himself one, never thought to escape.
His name in the ape tongue was Tars Han, which means
Little Redskin; and so he grew into his teens.
He started to watch the Greens and then one day
He saw a fair maiden and wanted to play.
She was afraid of him, with his red skin
And animal growls; and his manhood was thin.
So he gave up on love, played some barbaric games;
Green Martians grew wary, called him devilish names.
And so things went on, till when he reached eighteen
A high-flying Helium air ship was seen.
While charting air currents it spotted the city
And thinking of treasure dropped low; more's the pity
For soon within range of Green rifles it came,
It was hit, losing buoyancy; soon it was lame.
So Tars Han came looking to check out the noise
And saw his first red men; but joy of all joys
A woman, exquisite, perfection complete
Emerged from the ship; took control in her sweet
But no-nonsense manner; she ordered repairs
While Tars Han was leaping down great flights of stairs
To meet her and greet her; but ere he came out
His shyness took over him, filled him with doubt.
So what could he say to her? What if she thought
He was lower than something her sorak had caught?
So pausing he noticed a banth coming near;
Just as it attacked he well-cast his long spear
Transfixing the animal ere it had leapt
But when they came to see, far away he had crept.
The story goes on, how some rescuers showed
Led by handsome Dar Noh, with an Officer's Code
That caused him to go and get captured by Greens,
Then rescued by Tars Han we skip many scenes
Of healing and learning and travel about
Till he meets his fair maiden and threatens a lout
Whose marriage he cancels; a cousin steps in
Before Tars Han can ask, he can no longer win;
Then learns his identity, cares not for that:
He makes the great sacrifice, so in a chat
Avers that his mother an ape must have been
Assuring the wealth of his love and his kin.
SHE'S ALWAYS A PRINCESS
Tarak of Kalnor (Bob Woodley)
from "The Tawny-haired Stranger"
With apologies to Billy Joel)
(Dedicated to Gahan, Jed of Gathol)
She can kill with a smile
She can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your health
In Barsoomian skies
And she only reveals
What she wants you to see
She hides like a child
But she's always a Princess to me.
She can lead you to love
She can take you or leave you
She will ask for the truth
But she'll never believe you
And she'll take what you give
Her as long as it's free
She steals hearts like a thief
But she's always a Princess to me
Oh, it's fair Tara herself
She can fly if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh, and she just loves to pout
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind
She will promise you more
Than the Valley of Dor
Then she'll carelessly hurt you
And you'll only want more
But she'll bring out the best
And the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself
Cause she's always a Princess to me
Oh, it's fair Tara herself
She can fly if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh, and she just loves to pout
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind
Till the last few small pages
To you she'll be cruel
She does as she pleases
And you're always her fool
She can't be restricted
She's his daughter, you see
And the least she will do
Is sic Kaldanes on you
But she's always a Princess to me.
A BARSOOMIAN ALPHABET
or
ACROSS THE DEAD SEA BOTTOMS
WITH STROPHE AND ANAPEST
J. G. Huckenpöhler
* A *
The APT is a horrible beast;
Upon corpses it's rumored to feast.
In the Carrion Caves
Is the food it most craves;
Emily Post would be highly displeased.
* B *
The BANTH, scourge of Barsoom's dry plains
Uses mostly his stomach for brains.
His roar is ferocious,
His manners atrocious,
And he never leaves any remains.
* C *
The CALOT's the green man's best friend;
His loot it will often defend.
It's incredibly fleet
On its ten furry feet
And has teeth at the business end.
* D *
The DARSEEN, the desert's live jewel,
Often comes to an end that's quite cruel.
By a Thark it was caught
And thrown into a pot
To flavor an insipid gruel.
* E *
At EXUM is longitude zero,
A fact that was lost on our hero.
Until the ninth book
All his measures he took
From Horz, for reasons not clear, oh!
* F *
FAL SIVAS, a sage of Zodanga,
Kept a space ship concealed in his hangar.
Its directing brain
Was the cause of much pain
To everyone in this cliff-hanger.
* G *
Beware of the GREEN MARTIAN's mirth,
For a good laugh is all a life's worth.
Their humor is bad
Because they all had
An unhappy reception at birth.
* H *
The twin cities of HELIUM shine,
Their scarlet and gold towers are fine.
Tardos Mors is its ruler;
Dejah Thoris is cooler --
"Lesser Helium's John Carter's and mine."
* I *
Old ISSUS, a hideous hag
Of her beauty was accustomed to brag.
Then with Carter she tangled,
And came out quite mangled
But will Xodar succeed her in drag?
* J *
Of JOHN CARTER much has been told;
He's strong, and he's reckless and bold.
But he meets Dejah Thoris
And proceeds then to bore us
Being tongue-tied and bashful and cold.
* K *
The KALDANE of distant Bantoom
Has been many a red Martian's doom.
With its mind it entraps,
With its chelae it snaps
And its RYKOR it rides like a broom.
* L *
The daughter of Gahan and Tara
Is LLANA -- we're told there's none fairer
(Except Grandma and Mum)
But Tan Hadron, with some
Arrogance, says Tavia can outstare her.
* M *
The MALAGOR, bird of ill omen
Is oft used by the hormads for roamin'.
With its sharp beak and claws
It's an asset because
It frightens the socks off their foemen.
* N *
For NUTUS of Dusar the game
Of statecraft involved a young dame.
But Thuvia'd have none
Of his high-stepping son
And Carthoris revealed Astok's shame.
* O *
The tiger-striped ORLUK is rare;
In the snow-covered north is its lair.
With its coat black and gold
It stands out bright and bold
And it surely does not belong there.
* P *
Let us pity the PLANT MEN of Dor;
They're not fed as much as before.
When John Carter found 'em
He fought circles around 'em,
And the pilgrims don't come any more.
* Q *
Of Q I have found not a trace;
(I just put this in to save face.)
The phoneme is found
In Torquas -- the sound
Gives a graphic idea of the place.
* R *
RAS THAVAS, to Morbus transported,
Designed Hormads of appearance ill-sorted.
They captured his lab
And left him with the tab
When their plans for world conquest were aborted.
* S *
The SILIAN, slimy and wet,
Is no one's idea of a pet.
In the Lost Sea of Korus
They wait patiently for us
To be caught by the Therns in their net.
* T *
A formidable mount is the THOAT,
A cross between dragon and goat.
Its temper is vicious;
Its mind is suspicious,
Or at least that's what ERB wrote.
* U *
The ULSIO's highly unpleasant;
In dungeons it's most often present.
It's the prisoner's bane,
Often drives them insane,
For it squeals and has eyes phosphorescent.
* V *
To VAD VARO, a soldier of earth
The red planet brought a rebirth.
As a surgeon's apprentice
He was most compos mentis
And to Duhor he proved his true worth.
* W *
There are WHITE APES in every dead city;
Their faces and tempers aren't pretty.
An intruder's pursued,
And clubbed, clawed, and chewed,
And digested without the least pity.
* X *
For XAXA, Jeddara of Phundahl,
The concept of beauty was all.
She rented the same
In Valla Dia's frame,
Until Tur brought about a recall.
* Y *
In Tjanath, YO SENO's the jailer
At whose name young maidens grow paler.
With his keys he's adept;
In bed he's a schlepp,
But with Tavia he's strictly a failure.
* Z *
The magnificent ZITIDAR
Is the largest of land beasts by far.
As a bearer of loads
In the absence of roads
It surpasses a four-wheel-drive car.
DR. SEUSS ON BARSOOM
Joseph S. Taylor
I would not eat them in the dark,
I would not eat them with a Thark.
I would not eat them in the rain,
I would not eat them with a Kaldane.
I would not eat them with a Darceen
I would not eat them in Omean.
I will not eat green eggs and ham.
I will not eat them, Rapas I am.
Journies
Dale "Vandor" Robinson
And I used to lie on my back in new-mown grass
Staring upward, to the stars and beyond,
Bradbury, Clarke, and Burroughs whispering
“They can be yours, son.”
And with their help, I journeyed
to far off stars in strange ships,
And with their help, I faced fearsome creatures,
the Barsoomian banth of Burroughs,
And rescued fair maidens on harsh planets,
the lovely Dejah Thoris,
and dreamt I was Warlord of Mars.
But now, I have no time to lie in new-mown grass,
And little time to stare upward to the stars.
Still Bradbury, Clarke and Burroughs oft whisper
“They can be yours.”
And from time to time, I ride
with the Red Hawk to drive
the hated Kalkars from my land,
Or face beautiful Nemone and deadly Belthar
upon the Field of Lions,
Faithful Jad-Bal-Ja at my side.
Now the house needs a coat of paint and the grass needs mown,
But I take a little time to stare upward to the stars.
And I know I never shall journey to Mars nor even the Moon,
And I shall find no fair maid
upon Barsoom’s dead seas,
nor fierce ten-legged lions
among the sharp mountain crags.
But there still stretches before me
a path beyond the farthest star.
And I will turn to the whisperers,
to Ray, to Arthur, to Ed, and say,
“You were right -- the adventures,
the stars, can still be mine!”
"T-A-V-I-A-"
To the tune of LOLA
Joseph S. Taylor
because my mommy is a princess and my dad's an Odwar
down in HASTOR...HA-ST-O-R...HASTOR..."
"I got me a sweetie: real society dame.
She's got good looks and fame, and I'll tell ya her name:
Sonoma Tora...T-O-R-A-...TORA..."
"Now I'm just a padwar in my daddy's Umak,
but when Tul Axtor kidnapped her, I vowed to get her back!
"On my one-man flier I set out for Jahar,
but with a bullet in my balast tank, I didn't get far!"
"The dames in Tul's harem were the cream of the crop,
but the butchy, manly, androgyn made my heart stop!
Oh, my TAVIA...T-A-V-I-A-...TAVIA...
"Once I laid my eyes on her masculine frame,
I knew I'd never love Sonoma Tora the same!
Oh, my TAVIA...T-A-V-I-A-...TAVIA...
"She wore a man's harness, and she wielded a sword.
Hair was short. Chest was flat. Had an ass like a boy.
Oh, my TAVIA...T-A-V-I-A-...TAVIA...
T-A-V-I-A-...TAVIA...
T-A-V-I-A-...TAVIA...
-RAPAS, The Ulsio!
(Now try it to the tune of "YMCA")!
January 7th, 1998, ERBList Moderator Bruce "Tangor" Bozarth challenged the list members to submit "Clean ERB limmericks of original (or not) composition. Best (and worst) will be posted at A Barsoom Glossary's Poet's Corner."
Madness ensued.
The following limericks are presented in chronological order (more or less). Various No-Prizes were awarded. I originally intended to put email links and real names on all these litrachoory delights. Real life intervened. No time. But you can find out who's who by checking the ERB Persona Directory.
Tangor's club is getting so dusty
'Cause ERBListers are much too rusty.
No posts and no boasts,
No roasts of plumb thoats
This place has become ter'bly musty.
Tarzan, that bold jungle fellow,
Stands on a kill and he bellows,
Be it Numa or mice,
He'll yell in a thrice
With a tone that is much less than mellow.
Sword wielding mighty John Carter
Is expert with hot steely carvers.
Several millions have died
'Cause his cut swings so wide
When somebody peeks at Dee's garter.
Old Perry resides in Pellucidar
An underground world down so very far
Of science he boasts,
While building skin boats,
His claim is that he's the most lucid-ar.
Tangor
The Mucker
Dere once wuz dis Mucker named Billy,
Who thought high society silly.
He met up wid a skirt,
Who thought he was dirt,
Their romance was sure to be hilly.
She was caught by a samurai dude,
Whose advances were really quite lewd.
It's a fate worse than death.
But he breathed his last breath.
She stabbed him. She was not in the mood.
Even so, she was trapped in his palace,
Other soldiers attacking with malice.
The Mucker showed up,
and bodies piled up.
About death, he was really quite callous.
Then off to safe refuge they went,
Where she taught him to speak like a gent.
It's not "dis" and "dat,"
it is "this" and "that."
A great skirt - er, great woman, I meant.
Ghak the Hairy One
I recall a young girl named Jane
who's ideals made romance such a pain
That the ape-man was lost
And we all knew the cost
Would be nearly as much as the gain.
And when finally the villian he knew
And could throttle with one little thew
She bade him forgo
His revenge, and we know
How they all ended up in a stew.
Tarak
I recall a fair princess with pleasure,
Her smile was my favorite treasure,
Though we all had to sigh
When she attempted to fly
Still her beauty was far beyond measure.
She liked to fly through a gale,
Though in steering she knew she would fail,
With wide eyes and black hair
She was tossed through the air,
And her red face became somewhat pale.
Still somehow she came down to rest,
Though she'd only begun her new test,
Now she had to survive
In the Kaldane's vast hive
And escape, or be eaten with zest.
So she met a huge head name Ghek
And together they started a trek
And she just had to ponder
If forever they'd wander,
And her love life would end up a wreck.
But even when friends with a head,
And not knowing when she'd be dead,
She found a brave man
Whether slave or panthan,
And ended up after all with her jed.
Tarak
There once was a John Carter of Mars
Who along with his green friend named Tars
Saved a Princess so fine
That Jeddaks did line
Helium's halls to gift her with stars
But for Dejah Thoris there was only her John
The man she had her heart set upon
Through wars and disaster
His sword was the master
and finally his ring she did don
Ghek
There once was a she-ape named Kala
who wanted to go to Valhalla
So she found an old ticket
she found in a thicket
and said "shucks my ticket's to an outdated game of cricket!"
Kala
Ghek and that Ulsio named Rapas
Faced off for a duel, but alas
Rapas was yellow
And Ghek the poor fellow
Tripped and fell on his a--
So Ghek lost his head
and bit Rapas instead
Flesh was a-flying
Rapas was crying
And Ghek asked for two slices of bread
Ghek
There once was a fellow on Venus
Who pondered the size of his...*
Opponents of note
Whom he mightily smote
And then shoved off the side of an edifice.
* get your mind out of the gutter: "meanest"
Tangor
Ghek's a head whose ahead of his time,
And he certainly knows how to rhyme,
So I used him and wrote
Of his travels of note
With the girl I regard as sublime.
Tarak
Of course, perhaps sooner than we expected, things began to rush headlong downhill!:
On Barsoom lived Ghek the Kaldane,
Whose life as a brain was mundane.
To the vats of Ras Thavas,
He was punted by Rapas,
And became a Hormad, jibbering and insane.
To Deja, Carter's question was directed,
"Could it be that my eyesight's defective?"
"It appears that your East Tit,
"Has bested the West Tit.
"Or, is it a trick of perspective?"
Rapas
Was there ever a creature so foul and so low
As Rapas, the aptly named Ulsio?
He stabs from the back
Ogles Dejah Thoris' rack
and as a rhymester is a pitiful foe!
Alone and friendless on Barsoom
John Carter nearly met his doom
Mighty Woola became his friend
Saved his bacon in the end
Then got sent back to his room
Ghek
In fights his fangs were skin-shucking
While Carter was thrusting and ducking
But back home in bed
He learned to play dead
When JC and DT were frolicking?
Woola
At this point your compiler has taken some liberties. Firstly, some submissions were a tad too tasteless and were not included. Secondly, meter and style suffered in the game warfare which erupted, thus edits have occurred to correct deficiencies without the various authors' knowledge or consent.
Ghek was outcast and reject,
Who simply could get no respect.
Said the assasins of Rapas,
"You'll never escape us!"
And rendered him Anantomically incorrect!
Rapas the Ulsio's a Raptor,
Who with sword or the quill knows no Master.
Filled the listserver with Laughter,
Caught a virgin and quaffed her
Sweat and escaped Pancrotheonic Disaster!
Rapas
Rapas the Ulsio you see
Has no idea of anatomy
Kaldanes with an a--
is like a Rapas with class
Something that ne'er will be
Ghek
A balding ex-statistician
Wrote pastiches without permission.
The pay was pathetic,
And Tangor, prophetic,
Warned him of quick legal admonition.
A. Q. Porter
On the anniversary of ERB's Birthday in 2002 a Bouquet of Verses was submitted by the taxidermist of Manator:
[Selected and translated by I-Gos]
(1) FOR DEJAH
There was a young princess of Mars
who kept her two babes in glass jars.
When reproached for that quirk,
she replied: "It's less work,"
that lethargic young Princess of Mars.
(2) BANTOOMIAN HOSPITALITY
There was a rich kaldane called Luud
whose treatment of guests was quite rude.
Not content to berate 'em;
he butchered and ate 'em,
that uncivil kaldane called Luud.
(3) PIGGING OUT [Excerpt from "Why Is That?"]
The bristly Barsoomian swine
must be soaked overnight in strong brine,
then slow-roasted,'til dead,
and served sliced, on dark bread,
with a dry red Dusarian wine.
(4) THE PETTING ZOO
Fair Thuvia, maid of Barsoom
kept a handsome tame banth in her room.
When they asked: "Does he bite?"
She said: "Only at night,"
that insouciant maid of Barsoom.
(5) POOR TECHNIQUE
Old I-Gos was blind as a bat.
And one awful night, due to that,
he mistook his young bride
for a girl who had died,
and pickled her in a stone vat.
(6) GROWING OLD GRACEFULLY
There was an old kaldane named Ghek,
whose body was rather a wreck.
It grew wrinkled and thin,
so he traded it in,
that indifferent old invalid, Ghek.
(7) PETIT DEJEUNER
A bulbous green granny Warhoon
ate raw ulsio guts with a spoon.
When they asked: "Don't you boil 'em?"
she croaked: "That would spoil 'em."
Meticulous granny Warhoon!
[Translator's note: Of course no green Barsoomian female can ever be
identified as grandmother, because no record is kept of which eggs were laid
by whom. Barsoomian does contain an diminutive/affectionate term denoting a
female grandparent, but the word here translated as "granny" is the
three-syllable abbreviation of a much longer compound which literally reads
as "post-fertile-female/who-has-reared-at-least-one-female/who-has-reared-
at-least-one-hatchling." Among red Barsoomians the compound term has been used by stockbreeders since very ancient times, and has more recently become part of the vocabulary of psychologists and ethologists studying animal behavior.]
Today was a fine fellow's birthday
To which we all shout hoo-ray!
We got Venus and Mars
And monsters in jar
And love the OB until this day!
"Rapas Disses Ghek: A Sonnet"
Emotionless thought. Intellectual monotony!
The philosophy maintained by Kaldanes as superior.
A perfected collective web without autonomy.
The interior brain beneath a putrid exterior
So centered on thought, unhindered by form.
Yet compared to the passions of man, most inferior.
A tempestuous princesses brought by a storm
Tantalizing the temporal: a temptress with tune.
Beneath Bantoom on Barsoom Ghek Burrows like a worm.
So wooed by her music, Ghek begged her to croone.
And himself tried to chortle and challenge Sir Rapas!
Ghek, humbled and broken, swooned like a buffoon.
What guile! How infantile, hostile, and vile!
To assume, (to your doom); to presume to outrhyme!
While so outclassed in style. What futile denial!
Such a prime waste of time. What a juvenile crime.
Go to Heck, Ghek! You poor Imbicle!
-- Rapas, The Ulsio!
With poisoned pen he spews forth venom
Words as evil as his mind
Corrupted thoughts as he doth pen them
Enraged, he is to beauty blind
The world a fetid mess
He wallows like all his kind
Nor is he able to confess
The true object of desire
Methinks he doth profess
While wallowing in the mire
Attempting to provoke
Ghek to match his ire
But Rapas is such a joke
It's hardly worth the effort
to deflect his puny poke
But when an ulsio begins to squeal
and claims that he's really dissing
Ghek hears the sound of his next meal
One Rapas will be missing
-- Ghek
"The Galloping Gourmet, Rapas!"
"Bantoomian Brisket," muses Rapas the Sloth
Contemplating his next meal with delight.
Or a perchance a platter of "Kaldane Cutletts" in broth.
"Ghek Goulash" is nice, but I had that last night.
A bowl of "Brain Boulabaise"--that would be quite tasty,
Or lite "King Crab Chelea" seasoned just right.
"Ghek Spider Cider" would likely taste nasty,
But his fat pumpkin head would make a nice pie,
And his "Cherry on top" eyes perfect any pastry.
Maybe I'd like a spicey "Rykor Rib-eye,"
and potato chips--or better yet fried "Ghek Lips"
Or his Head served with lettuce, on rice.
Chopped, diced, or thin-sliced makes enough stew for two.
For a great dip best served atop crackers,
Bash his brains with a bat for a grainy "Ghek-Goo".
Come, eat your fill all Ye Ulsios and Raptors!
-- Rapas, The Sloth!
"The Trouble with Vermin"
You stomp them ,you spray them, and yet
There's always one more
hiding himself under the banth dung, I bet!
Jaws slobberred with some sort of ichor
Who knows where he's been
And what he's been eating before
Rotting carcasses, sloughed off skin
All the same to an ulsio's taste
Perhaps once some were even his kin
Nothing so vile that it goes to waste
There! In the sewer!
Midst putrefication embraced
Lies Rapas the Ulsio, slothful and sated
Of garbage and swill he's eaten his fill
But there's only one end for which he is fated
Featured on the bill under JofV's road kill!
-- Ghek
A fickle young girl named Duare
Of romantic involvements was wary.
Then along came Napier
With a simpering leer
And a whispered, "Come, let us tarry."
But Duare blew hot and cold,
One moment brazen and bold,
The next moment distant --
Carson was persistent
Not too bright, but his heart was of gold.
For four volumes he went on like this
In pursuit of connubial bliss.
With ghoul and with Zani
Their adventures were many
Before he won over the Miss.
--- Huck
E.R.B.
A Reader's Tale
David David Bruce Bozarth
A gifted man wrote wond'rous tales
which filled our imaginations
with portraits of Fantasitc Trails
and Magical Destinations.
His stories breathed a sense of awe,
extoled heroic virtues
and shaped the minds of young men all
to emulate those virtues.
His damsels often were distressed
by villians debased and vile
but take charge and trouble address
they did with courageous smile.
His heroes were bold in their ways
sharp-witted and strong of arm;
loyalty coupled with fair-play,
and an engaging boyish charm.
Jungle men; diverted spacemen,
a Virginian who conquered Mars,
insane kings and ancient cavemen,
characters real, and bizarre.
Adventures found on alien worlds
or in a darkened alleyway
domains mundane--fantasy worlds--
we toured life's vigorous highways.
Most of all he gave us values
ones we can readily embrace:
Love and Life, Principle and Truth,
guidelines fine, humanity's grace.
--February 1987
Happy Holiday!
John Heckman
Green folks will gather in swarms,
and wave around all of their arms.
Both gents and dames
go WILD at the Games,
watching bloodshed without any qualms.
The Call of Pellucidar
John Martin, edgardemain
I want to go to Pellucidar,
Where Abner, David and Dian are;
Where lurks the mighty dinosaur,
And old age hardly leaves a scar.
I want to go to the Inner World,
With horizon every upward curled,
Where the Star of David is unfurled,
And from the mast of the Amoz twirled.
I don't want to go by Pole;
I want to go in the Iron Mole,
And burrow through a seam of coal,
Until I finally reach my goal.
I want to sail on the Az with Ja
(A Navy man without a flaw);
Like Heyerdahl, aboard the Ra,
His seamanship's the highest law.
I want to sail up North so far,
And attack the Port of ol' Korsar;
Just give me a ship, don't got no star
To steer 'er by in Pellucidar.
I want to roam 'neath the noonday sun,
With plenty of ammo and a trusty gun,
So leviathans that weigh a ton
Will see me coming and decide to run.
I want to take my savage mate
Out on a noonday luncheon date;
For a snorting thag we'll lie in wait,
Then roast a steak to please our pate.
I'll battle Mahars face to face,
And make them yield to the human race;
And when I'm tired of the hectic pace,
I'll put the book back in its place.
TARZAN, CARTER, CARSON & INNES
Ron Sandve
1/04/06
From the jungles of Africa to the plains of Barsoom
The gigantic forests of Amtor and mysterious Pellucidar
The master of adventure did, with his mighty pen
Take us to places even beyond the farthest star
And back on earth to a land that time forgot
Where wieroos, alus, bolus, and galus did ravage
With imagination and skill he performed his wonders
A cave girl, a moon maiden and the eternal savage
There was no TV and commercial radio was unknown
When a man in his mid-thirties began to tell his tales
And names like Tarzan, Carter, Carson and Innes
Topped the nation in book and magazine sales
Adults and children alike clamored for his words
When heroes would virtually leap from the pages
In wholesome albeit truth-stretching adventures
As the master storyteller weaved for all ages
There were places and heroes and so many villains
That stirred up so many emotions within us
Africa, Barsoom, Amtor and Pellucidar
Tarzan, Carter, Carson and Innes
A trip to the moon, a Mars shot gone wrong
Eldritch adversaries, magicians and false gods
Wizards, monsters and weird sub-humans
Fantastic adventures against impossible odds
TARZAN (25 books)
Tarzan was best known of the Burroughs heroes
A man raised by apes due to a horrendous bungle
By birth he was the English Lord Greystoke
By accident he became the king of the jungle
His exploits were legendary, his prowess was great
He ruled his green empire with justice for all
With the lovely Jane Porter and Jack on his side
Wherever there was trouble he answered the call
The exotic city of Opar with its wealth of jewels
Monumental battles with savage beasts and bestial men
And gulliveresque ant guys from the land of Minuni
As a Tarzan triumphant prevailed again and again
Tarzan was not limited to the African jungle scene
He could be in England or France doing good deeds
The skyscrapers of New York or at the earth's core
Or northern Wisconsin, swinging through the trees
(Yes, Tarzan was in Wisconsin – See "Tarzan of the Apes")
He did not live in a tree house as Hollywood showed
But a fine plantation in Africa was his domicile
Tarzan was fluent in 5 languages plus "beast-speak"
"Me Tarzan, You Jane" just causes a smile
CARTER (10 books)
Now John Carter the soldier had a fantastic existence
He died, something snapped and his essence left the tomb
And then he miraculously appeared in body and spirit
On what we earthlings call Mars, the natives Barsoom
His first encounter with some residents of Barsoom
Was something that could not be called pleasant all
Green babies hatched from eggs incubated five years
Fierce six-limbed adults that could grow to 15 feet tall
He befriended a green giant by the name of Tars Tarkas
And fell in love with a red princess called Dejah Thoris
He could jump 30 feet high and 100 feet long
Carter's exploits on Barsoom could never bore us
The races were at constant war on the dying planet
And the athletic Carter fit in the arena like a glove
Every tribe, it seemed, wanted a piece of Dejah
As Carter battled valiantly to keep his one true love
Down the Sacred Iss to the Valley Dor where Holy Therns
Plant men, white apes and the ebon First Born prevailed
To Manator where chess is played with humans to the death
And rykors and kaldanes added spice to Barsoomian tales
He braved the Carrion Caves and outwitted the apts
He conquered all obstacles under the moons and stars
Yellow, black, red and green men bowed before him
John Carter's exploits made him the Warlord Of Mars
CARSON (5 books)
Not quite so noble was a man named Carson Napier
He blasted off for Mars like he hadn't seen us
But a miscalculation caused by the pull of the moon
And "Wrong Way Carson" ended up on Venus
Carson had mastered the art of telepathy
Thus he could communicate with Burroughs
And through this marvelous medium we were able
To follow his exploits on the Amtorian world
He fell in love with a Vepajan princess named Duare
He would lose her then find her and lose her again
With klangan and tharban and other weird creatures
Adventure followed adventure, there was no end
He battled the evil Mephis and his Nazi-like Zanis
And thwarted the Thorists and their communist ways
He befriended Ero Shan in flawless city of Havatoo
Yes, Carson Napier had a knack for Venusian forays
INNES (7 books)
Whereas Carter and Carson roved the planets above
David Innes had his adventures in the world below
With his pal Abner Perry to the earth's core he went
In an Abner creation he called "The Iron Mole"
He fought the reptilian Mahars and their evil acts
And fell hopelessly in love with Dian The Beautiful
In this inner world the natives called Pellucidar
Where dinosaurs roamed and the people were cool
There was adventure aplenty and villains galore
Humans and sub-humans and a perpetual noon day sun
Where time was not measured and night was unknown
And Tanar, von Horst and even Tarzan joined in the fun
Pellucidar was pre-historic so David brought it up to date
With gun powder and cannons to replace rocks and spears
Now the natives could kill each other in a just few days
Whereas before Innes it would have taken several years
OTHERS
Bowen Tyler,Jr. stumbled onto the island of Caprona
And was marooned in a land that time had forgotten
Where all stages of evolution (and beyond) existed
There was danger and trials that bordered on rotten
Julian 5th went to the moon when trying for Mars
As there was a traitor (Orthis) aboard his ship
He discovered a hidden world beneath the surface
And found a moon maid (Surprise!!) on his aborted trip
Julian 9th saved the earth after the moon men invaded
And it had reverted into a big round desolate mess
Julian 20th was also known as The Red Hawk
And he defeated the hated Kalkars in a heroic quest
An American pilot was shot down by Germans
Only to awaken in Poloda, a distant planet so far
And as Tangor his adventures had just begun
When Burroughs took us beyond the farthest star
Thandar and Nadara starred in The Cave Girl
Jefferson Turck explored The Lost Continent and then
Nu of the Niocene was The Eternal Savage
Number Thirteen escaped from The Monster Men
A Mad King and westerns and Hollywood yarns
Some real good stories and some not so fine
For nearly forty years his typewriter hummed
By some accounts his novel total reached sixty-nine
Edgar Rice Burroughs died at age 75 in 1950
But his popularity and characters continue to thrive
Thanks, in some part, to dum dums like me
Who keep his memory and his creations alive!!!
COLLECTION OF "TARZAN SONGS"
"Trapeze"
Bob Fester
He swings through the vines With the greatest of ease,
Traversing his way through the thick jungle trees.
He wears just a loin cloth, and carries a knife;
Korak's his son, and Jane is his wife.
Beware all you lions and bad quadrapeds;
Get in his way and he'll knuckle your heads!
The King of the Jungle is--a name I can't say,
Or ERB, Inc, will blow me away.
LUNCH
Ghak
There once was a man raised by apes,
Who at caterpillars like grapes.
What he liked most to eat
Was a hunk of raw meat,
So to hunt, through the jungle he'd traipse.
Tarzan on Trouble Trail
John Martin
Originally published in my Edgardemain contribution to ERBapa 42, Summer 1994.
Tarzan woke up in the jungle one day,
And stretched in the fork of the tree where he lay.
He reached 'neath his loincloth and scratched his behind,
Then let out a bull-ape yell, just to unwind.
He felt a bit hungry, so, grabbing his rope,
He dropped to the ground and took off at a lope;
His nostrils soon told him that breakfast was near,
As he caught the fresh odor of Bara, the deer.
He leaped to a tree limb with greatest of ease,
And in upper terraces soared through the trees.
'Til Bara he found in a clearing below,
and dropped 'round its head a grass rope lasso.
He tightened the noose as the dear gave a start,
And Lord Greystoke hauled up his meal, a la carte;
As he reeled in the deer, Bara wiggled and lurched,
All the way to the tree limb where Tarzan was perched.
A flash of the knife Tarzan's father once wore,
And Bara the deer was a livin' no more;
Tarzan cut out some steaks and, settling back,
Savored his type of a Big Mac attack.
And when he had eaten as much as was wise,
He wiped off the grease from his hands on his thighs;
Then he toted the deer like a tuxedoed waiter,
And buried it deep for another meal later.
The Ape-Man's keen ears then picked up a sound,
So he listened more closely, with head to the ground;
The thuds and the thumps from a faraway trail,
Were read by the Ape-Man like we read our mail.
He could tell a safari was coming his way,
With two evil men who had quite an array
Of ivory stolen from elephants killed,
And pockets which jewels from Opar had filled.
Along with the men was a pretty French lass,
Who wasn't a thief: She had too much class;
Twenty-two natives were toting the loads,
The white men exhorting the bearers with goads.
All of this, tarzan could know for a truth,
By the way that the noises were sounding: Forsooth!
He leaped to his feet with the grimmest of looks,
And set off to deal with this party of crooks.
Now, Tantor the elephant, Tarzan's best friend,
Encountered the men as he rounded a bend;
One man gladly shouted, and grabbed for his gun,
And quickly as elephants can -- Tantor spun.
He let out a bellow and poured on the speed;
This kind of people ol' Tant didn't need;
As he ran from the men in his natural fear,
A bullet nicked Tantor up high in the rear.
The bullet bounced off, but the pain settled in,
And Tantor saw red, and it made Tantor sin;
His pain overwhelmed him; his mind it did fill;
And Tantor desired but one thing: to kill.
He roared down the trail like a lumbering freight,
Where the Ape-Man approached with a jungle-bred gait;
Tarzan knew by the scent that his pachyderm pal
Was not far away, so he let out a yell.
Now, Tarzan's yell usually made Tantor feel good,
But, clouded by rage, it was not understood;
They both saw each other about the same time,
And Tarzan, quite suddenly, felt like a climb!
But 'ere he could leap for a low-hanging limb,
The elephant smacked full-bore right into him;
The force of the blow sent the Ape-Man a flyin'
And soon in a bush he was, unconcsious, lyin'.
Tantor's insanity left him like -- Zap!
But he wandered away with a memory gap;
He didn't realize he had decked Tarmangani,
And waded a river to cool off his fanny.
Tarzan, conked out, in the bush by the trail,
Was found by the men who were on Tantor's tail.
"Look, Jacques, a wild man!" said Slipp'ry Pierre.
"I'll grab his feet, and you grab his hair!"
So, Tarzan was trussed up and tossed in a cage;
At sideshows back home, he'd be all the rage;
They'd earn lots of money as, week after week,
People would pay for a look at the freak.
They camped out that night in a tree-shaded glen,
And drank so much whiskey, they slept in 'til 10;
All morning the natives were playing some tricks,
And poking the "wild man" with spear points and sticks,.
But all this attention the Ape-Man ignored,
And sat like a stoic as the two white men snored;
Finally, the natives gave up on their sport,
And turned to adjusting the packs they would port.
With others ignoring the cage for a spell,
The pris'ner saw coming, a mademoiselle;
Her lipstick was red and her eye shadow, blue;
Tarzan's eyes stuck to the woman like glue.
Her golden hair shimmered beneath the bright sun;
In spite of the jungle, her socks had no run;
Like a queen from the movies, so pert and so perky,
But, best of all, she brought a fistful of jerky.
Now, a free meal the Ape-Man was not one to fault,
And he ate all the jerky in spite of its salt;
The maiden sat watching the Ape-Man's repast,
And her little French ticker began beating fast,.
Then she held up a ribbon, as red as could be,
And tied to the ribbon: A sparkling key.
"I'll open the door and I'll let you go free,
"But first you must promise that you'll rescue me."
"These men are my uncles but, blood ties aside,
"They're scoundrels and villains who've cheated and lied.
"They're not very nice; they ain't no Ralph Naders,
"They're planning to sell me to Arab slave traders."
"I'll help you," said Tarzan. "Just open the door."
She did, and our Tarzan was untamed once more;
He beat on his chest and let out a roar;
The natives all jumped about 10 feet or more.
"He's loose!" cried the head man, in perfect Swahili.
"We'll have him for supper, or my name ain't Pele!"
The natives launched spears, and blew poison darts and
Shot burning arrows at grim, smiling Tarzan.
The Ape-Man quite nimbly sidestepped every missle;
"Ooh la la," said the French girl, and gave out a whistle;
As the final two spears came flying like quips,
Tarzan grabbed one in each of his powerful grips.
Unarmed and outclassed, the natives went white,
And, shrieking and scattering, vanished from sight;
With all of the noise, the drunks finally awoke;
Pierre grabbed his gun and Jacques grabbed a smoke.
"What's going on? It sounds like a fight!"
"Nah, it's the natives; they're restless tonight."
"You idiot! Night? It's already day!
"It's way past the time we should be on our way!"
"Hey listen...it's quiet now. Was it a dream?"
"A little TOO quiet, if you know what I mean."
A foot or two outside the tent, Tarzan lurked;
He speared the tent top and then powerfully jerked.
The tent pegs popped out and the canvas went flying;
Jacques froze in mid knot as his shoe he was tying;
Slipp'ry Pierre was more quick to react,
He raised up his pistol, the hammer pulled back.
Now if he'd been smart he'd have fired a round;
Instead, he told Tarzan to drop to the ground;
The Ape-Man just fired his spear like a shot;
It knocked Pierre's gun right onto the cot.
Then Tarzan grabbed Jacques and gave him a boot,
That sent him cart-wheeling right into the loot;
Pierre turned and grabbed for the gun on the cot,
But he stopped when he heard Tarzan say, "Better not."
The French girl ran up and gave Tarzan some hugs.
"My hero," she sighed, "You've stopped those two thugs."
They stood 'neath the trees, so tall and so leafy;
"Who hugs me?" asked Tarzan; she said, "My name's Fifi."
Just at that moment, there came a new voice:
"Stop hugging Tarzan, the man of MY choice!"
"Good grief," thought the Ape-Man, "it's Jane, with Waziri!"
He pushed the girl from him in one big fat hurry.
Then turning, the Ape-Man dropped open his jaw;
It wasn't his Jane; it was High Priestess La;
And with her were 50 from Opar's elite,
Short, bearded men with bare, stinking feet.
"We've come for our jewels," the high priestess said,
"These fools will soon pay, as their blood will be shed;
"The sun's near its zenith, now bring me those two;
"Stake them out on the ground for the ritual I'll do."
As the 50 Oparians did as she said,
Tarzan walked over to La and he said,
"Hi, La, how's it going? Long time no see."
She smiled at Tarzan and whispered, "Miss me?"
Meanwhile, the high priest, a guy name of Grout,
Was staring at Fifi, with tongue hanging out;
She looked back at him, and as their eyes met,
The rockets went off like the blast from a jet.
She smiled at him, and he smiled at her,
Then she reached out and patted his head full of fur;
He spoke the ape language, and she spoke the French,
But Love is the language that straddles the bench.
La looked at the pair and gave Tarzan a smile;
"I think Grout will leave me alone for awhile!"
"You know, La," said Tarzan, "I really must say,
"In civilized places they don't act this way!"
"They just don't take people without a fair trial,
"And tie them and knife them in sacrifice style;
"These fellows are bad ones; there isn't a doubt,
"But is this the best way to work the thing out?"
"Oh, Tarzan," La chuckled, "for one moment there,
"I almost believed you!" La fussed with her hair.
"Now quit being funny by looking surprised,
"You know very well that I'm NOT civilized!"
"I know," grinned the Ape-Man, "just thought I would see
"If you'd mellowed at all since you tried to knife me.
"Well, I must be going," he said. "It's near noon."
"Oh, Tarzan," said La, "You're leaving -- so soon?"
The Ape-Man just smiled, then took to the trees,
As Fifi told Grout 'bout the birds and the bees;
La stamped her foot and cursed at the air,
Then turned her attention to Jacques and Pierre.
Tarzan, the Jungle Lord, raced through the trees,
'Til there came to his nostrils a spoor on the breeze;
He lifted his voice with a summoning cry,
And heard back the answer, an elephant's sigh.
"Tantor, old boy!" Tarzan saw up ahead,
A massive gray bulk with a friendly gray head.
"Don't worry, old friend, you're forgiven, you know;
"It wasn't your fault, and no other need know."
The elephant ambled, as night followed day,
As Tarzan, at ease, on the great back did lay;
Time to relax and stare up at the moon;
Another adventure was sure to come soon.
PRIDE GOETH . . .
Serena Dubois
Said a Perissodactyla one summer's day,
To an Artiodactyla he met on his way,
"I think I'll take a sunning."
His friend, whose experience was wide,
Thought a minute, then replied,
"Trouble lurks on every side,
The native men are gunning."
But the first walked off in scornful pride,
Lay down to nap by the river side,
And thought, "No trouble will betide;
My legs are made for running."
A hunter out on his daily ride,
Saw by the river the striped hide,
Raised up his rifle, true and tried,
And sighted it with cunning.
The proud one rose, and then he tried
To save his life with quickening stride.
The rifle cracked, and then he died.
No more his legs were running.
Said an Artiodactyla not far away
Of the Perissodactyla that died that day,
"That bank's no place for sunning."
Published Parados Vol.1, No.2
Spring 1961 Davis
The Big Fat Boor
Korak
There once was a big fat boor
When I crushed his nose he swore
He tried to flee
I bit his knee
and then I smushed his guts to gore.
He tried to hobble away
Then snarled like a wolf at bay
And then I heard him say,
"I'll crush your bones to the core!"
I cut a hole into his head
Then stuck a feather where it bled
I tickled his brain
He laughed in pain
Until he fell over dead.
Thark Song
From the Princess of Mars musical
By Steven Vance Wadding
Inspired by "Jet Song" from "West Side Story"
When you're a Thark,
You're a Thark all the way
From the day that you hatch
To your pilgrimage day.
When you're a Thark,
If you catch a red man,
As he's tortured, you laugh,
You're an unfeeling man!
You're never alone,
You're never disconnected!
You're home with your own:
When company's expected,
You're well protected!
Then you are set
With a capital T,
Which you'll never forget
Till the Iss you go see.
When you're a Thark,
You stay a Thark!
A Special Occasion in the Jungle
John "Bridge" Martin
He read the little bugs upon the pages of the books,
And thus his learning got an early start;
He figured out his ABCs and soon was reading words,
And 'fore too long the orphan boy was smart.
He read a book that told him things the British folk held dear,
And one of them was love for one's own mum.
In fact, on Mothering Sunday, British kids would visit her,
And have a little pudding made of plum.
So Tarzan went and gathered up some beetles and some grubs,
And picked some fruit he found along the way,
And dropped them into Kala's lap and hugged her hairy head,
And told his mommy: "Happy Mothers Day!"
Yet Another Limerick Thing...
If lim'ricks are not yet passe
Let's have all that you coulda say
Do it on Mars
Or from 'Frisco bars
But do it the Burroughs way!
There once was a kid, Carthoris.
His father was quite enormous,
In Pol'tics Bizarre,
On the red planet Mars,
All for one and then swords us!
Don't tell me Jad-bal-ja's a cat
He was way, way, much more than that!
Dear Tweety did look
And then he did book
"I saw me a damn puddy-cat!"
I've seen the great Ocean Omean,
A dreary, dark, dismally scene,
Where First Born are shored
With fliers--no oars!
And gals become goddess cusine!
In the jungle there comes an attack
On natives, their schooling alack,
Who scream very loud
When a noose drops around
Their necks from ambushed attack.
A lim'rick is poem sublime
To gen'rate a line of rhyme
Asides here and there
Issued with care
Amusing--most of the time!
Don't make me participate
My rhymes are usually fake--
I can tell a bad joke
"See that pig in a poke?"
I think you can really relate!
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