TARZAN'S NEW YEAR
John "Bridge" Martin
A sad, sick little story
Hasily hacked out by Bridge
Fu Manchu crept stealthily through the jungle, a poisonous centipede carried carefully inside the golden purse he clutched in his claw-like hand.
Suddenly, through a rush of scattering leaves, a giant of a man plunged from above and stood squarely in his path.
"Welcome to my jungle," said the giant. My name is Tarzan. "And, by the way, Happy New Year."
Fu Manchu was perplexed. "This not Gnu Year," he said. "This Year of Pig."
"Ear of pig?" rejoined Tarzan. "I have just slain Horta the Boar and his carcass is buried nearby. Would you like an ear to munch on?"
Fu Manchu glared, his glittering eyes glistening with visions of gore. "How dare you insult me," he seethed. "Just for that, have a little taste of my bug of death." And so saying, the evil oriental pressed a release button on the purse and, in the same motion, gave it a flick that sent the centipede spiraling out and straight for ape-man's chest.
But Tarzan, with the quickness of Ara, the Lightning, reached out and grabbed the surprised Fu Manchu, lifted him up bodily, and turned a 180, so that by the time the centipede hit its target, it had landed squarely on the chest of the Chinese chicanarist instead.
"Aiiieeeeeee!" screamed Fu Manchu. "Get it off! Get if off!" He brushed wildly at the deadly bug but only succeeded in having it sting him several times.
As the villain's lifeless body dropped to the ground, Tarzan looked at it a bit sadly, saying, "I didn't mean to boar you."
And the centipede, too, felt a twinge of nostalgia for his fallen master. "I'm sorry," it said, in centipede talk, "I didn't mean to bore you either. The white devil made me do it."
Tarzan, who understood centipede talk, stuck his foot out and squashed the killer bug. "Call me a devil eh," he said.
And then Tarzan felt a bit sad. He had tried to start the new year off with his resolution to be a kinder, gentler guard of the jungle. And here, already, two dead creatures lay at his feet.
Then he began to feel a little bit better. "Aw, what the heck. I'm an ape-man and I gotta be me. Why should I try to change, just to be p.c."
Then, he heard a deep growl.
It was his stomach.
"All that action has made me hungry," said the ape-man. "I think I'll go dig up horta."
So Tarzan began his happy new year, which would include many repasts of horta, bara, and perhaps a hefty gnu ear.