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Tarzan Taglines and Jokes

David Bruce Bozarth

Over the last 10 years I have collected a brand of email fun known as "taglines." These amusing one liners have been attached to millions of emails world wide. I quit collecting them when the count reached 70,000+. There were a few regarding the famous ape-man, Tarzan of the Apes. If you have others, please send them to tangor@erblist.com and I'll add them to this web page.

Best advice for Tarzan? Don't let go of the vine.

Did Tarzan love Cheetah or Jane? - Pictures at 11.

He's tanned, rested and ready...Tarzan in '92!

I am Tarzan of Borg: Me assimilate. You assimilated.

I am Tarzan of Borg. You will be AAAEEEOOOEEEEOOOOO!

Shut up, Tarzan...! I'm tryin ta sing...Ooo Babee Ooo Ba...

Tarzan has class. He appreciates a fine vine.

"Tarzan of Borg - "Me assimilate. You assimilated."

Tarzan really swings.

Tarzan's last words: "Who greased the vine?"

Tarzan was the original swinger.

Tarzan of the Grapes - a human infant with impeccable taste raised among the vines.

Tarzan and the Lost City, "Lost? Me no steenking lost!"

Tarzan of the Apes: No man to monkey around with.

Jane's Beau: short on brains but well-equipped otherwise.

"I'm a wanderer/I'm a wanderer/I've been around/" - Tarzan

"John" "Jane" "Oh, John!" "Wow, Jane!" - the civilized Tarzan.

Weismuller ain't Tarzan. - Gordon Scott

I never knew my father and my mother was an ape. -Tarzan

What do you mean it is politically incorrect to kill blacks? - Tarzan

"See you later, alligator." - Tarzan, swimming like hell!

"I'm leaving/on a pet plane/" Tarzan and his beasts, merging.

Piltdown and Pillsbury Boy, believe that and the mangani are real!

Tarzan was rather keen on his father's knife.

Bolgani, momani, banana nana fomani, fee fi fo, big ape!

To swing is the vine, to fall is supine!

"I will swing no vine before its time." - Tarzan

Tarzan had a bad case of "Jungle Love." - Steve Miller

The Collected Tarzan Shaggie Dogs

Let's us suppose for the sake of this story that you were able to take a trip to Africa and capture Tarzan, Lord of the Jungle and that you were an evil musician who killed Tarzan. Then, using a technique very much similar in the manufacture of catgut, made violin strings from Tarzan's intestinal membranes. You put those strings on a violin and play a certain song on and on, endlessly, without ceasing. What song would you be playing? What else? Tarzan's Tripes, Forever!


Tarzan swings out of the tree house into the forest and comes across two Golden Finches which he catches in each hand and knocks their heads together to kill them. He then returns to the tree house, throws the birds on the table, and asks Jane, "Can we have dinner, now?"

Jane replies, "But Tarzan we have no meat for the main course."

Tarzan swings again into the forest and comes across a pair of chimpanzees and catches one in each hand and knocks their heads together to kill them. Once again he swings back to the tree house, throws the monkeys on the table, and asks Jane: "Can we have dinner, now?"

Jane replies, "Tarzan, do we have to have FINCH AND CHIMPS AGAIN?"


Is tarzan still alive?

Yes. He sits in a glade in the jungle, and spends all day painting white stripes on black zebras and black stripes on white zebras.

Tarzan stripes, forever!


Did you ever hear the one about Frank Buck? Frank Buck was the greatest animal trapper that ever lived. He trapped animals for zoos, for circuses, for side shows, for almost anything. During his long career he made quite a name for himself as the greatest animal trapper that ever lived.

One day, like many men, Frank Buck reached the age of sixty-five and decided to retire. So, our hero bought himself a little farm in Louisville, Kentucky and settled down to live out his remaining years in the peaceful surroundings of rural Louisville.

Not quite. He had just settled down and was sitting out on his back porch when the phone rang. It was the San Diego Zoo. The zoo keepers said to Frank Buck, "Mr. Buck? This is the San Diego Zoo. We realize you've led a long and busy life, and you deserve a peaceful retirement as much as any man on earth, but there's this one unusual animal we need, and you're the only man we know that can get it for us. It's a hornless rhinoceros." Well, Frank Buck (being in retirement and all that) naturally argued a little, but finally consented to get this hornless rhinoceros for the San Diego Zoo.

So, the next day he went down to his boat on the shore (this was before the days of airplanes), sailed across choppy seas, and landed in Africa, where he went a hackin' and a choppin', and a choppin' and a hackin' through the jungles of Africa 'till he met Tarzan Lord of the Apes. Now Tarzan was painting stripes. However, you couldn't tell whether they were white stripes on a black zebra, black stripes on a white zebra, or black and white stripes on a clear zebra. So Frank Buck went up to Tarzan and said, "Tarzan, I hate to bother you while you're so busy, but there's this one unusual animal I need. Would you happen to know the whereabouts of a hornless rhinoceros?" Now Tarzan, being so busy and all that, naturally was a little upset. But he put down his brush, pointed to a bush, and said, "Ugh!" And 'lo and behold, out walked this hornless rhinoceros!

So, Frank Buck captured the hornless rhinoceros, thanked Tarzan (who had, by this time, gone back to painting the zebra), and went a hackin' and a choppin', and a choppin' and a hackin' back through the jungles of Africa, back down to his boat on the shore (this was before the days of airplanes), sailed back across choppy seas, and landed in America. The next day, he delivered the hornless rhinoceros to the San Diego Zoo, and went back into retirement on his little farm in Louisville, Kentucky.

Well, three days later Frank Buck was sitting out on his back porch when the phone rang. This time it was the Chicago Zoo. The zoo keepers at the Chicago Zoo said, "Mr. Buck? This is the Chicago Zoo. We hate to bother you, seeing as you're in retirement and all that, but there's this one unusual animal we need and only you can get it for us. It's a short-necked giraffe." Well, Frank Buck (being in retirement and all that) naturally argued a little, but finally consented to get this short-necked giraffe for the Chicago Zoo.

So the next day, he went down to his boat on the shore (this was before the days of airplanes), sailed across choppy seas, and landed in Africa, where he went a hackin' and a choppin' and a choppin' and a hackin' through the jungles of Africa 'till he met Tarzan. Now, Tarzan was painting stripes. However, you couldn't tell whether they were black stripes on a white zebra, white stripes on a black zebra, or black and white stripes on a clear zebra.

So, Frank Buck went up to Tarzan and said, "Tarzan, I hate to bother you while you're so busy, but there's this one unusual animal I need. Would you happen to know the whereabouts of a short-necked giraffe?" Now Tarzan (being so busy and all that) naturally was a bit peeved, but he put down his brush, pointed to a bush, and said, "Ugh!" And 'Lo and behold, out walked this short necked giraffe!

So Frank Buck captured the short-necked giraffe, thanked Tarzan (who had, by this time, gone back to painting stripes), and went a hackin' and a choppin', and a choppin' and a hackin' back through the jungles of Africa, down to his boat on the shore (this was before the days of airplanes), sailed across choppy seas, and landed in America. The next day, he delivered the short-necked giraffe to the Chicago Zoo and went back to retirement on his little farm in Louisville, Kentucky.

Well, three days later, he was sitting out on the back porch when the phone rang. This time it was the Smithsonian Zoo. The zoo keepers said, "Mr. Buck, we realize you're in retirement and all that, but there's this one unusual animal we need, and only you can get it for us. It's a trunkless elephant." Well, Frank Buck (being in retirement and all that) naturally argued a little, but finally he consented to get this trunkless elephant for the Smithsonian Zoo.

So the next day, he went down to his boat on the shore (This was before the days of airplanes), sailed across choppy seas, and went a hackin' and a choppin', and a choppin' and a hackin' through the jungles of Africa 'till he met Tarzan. Now Tarzan was painting stripes. However, you couldn't tell if they were black stripes on a white zebra, or white stripes on a black zebra, or black and white stripes on a clear zebra. So Frank Buck went up to Tarzan and said, "Tarzan, I hate to bother you while you're so busy, but there's this one unusual animal I need. Would you happen to know the whereabouts of a trunkless elephant?" Now Tarzan, totally peeved, broke his brush over his knee, threw the brush into the bushes, pointed to a bush and hollered, "Ugh!" And, 'Lo and behold, out walked this trunkless elephant!

So Frank Buck captured the trunkless elephant, thanked Tarzan (who had by this time picked up a chipmunk and was painting with its tail), went a hackin' and a choppin', and a choppin' and a hackin' back through the jungles of Africa down to his boat on the shore (this was before the days of airplanes), sailed across choppy seas, and landed in America. The next day, he delivered the trunkless elephant to the Smithsonian Zoo, and went back into retirement on his little farm in Louisville, Kentucky.

Three days later, he was sitting on his back porch when the phone rang. However, this time it was a wrong number. So the next day, Frank Buck had his phone disconnected and lived happily ever after. Moral: ... Tarzan stripes forever.


It is a well known fact that while Tarzan was growing up in the jungle a friendly witch doctor used his magic to give the little tarmangani (white skin person) immortality.

Tarzan, of course, was a little skeptical of the treatment as he grew into manhood. But it soon became clear after he met Jane in 1909 and had a child with her they called Jack, though he was also known by his jungle name of Korak the Killer, that there might be something to the witch doctor's treatment since Tarzan seemed to be just shy of twenty years of age physically.

The ape-man began to have concerns that he would outlive his wife and child, and was very happy to have an adventure wherein he met folks in a lost civilization who had pills that could be taken to prolong a full and active life long past normal life spans. Tarzan gave a supply of pills to Jane, Korak, Korak's lovely wife Meriem and his favorite little manu, Nkima the monkey.

The family of Tarzan lived through the ugliness of World War II in 1945, the Israeli Six Day War of 1967, the Gulf War of the last decade of the 20th century, the Korean Crisis of 2008, the Great War of 2050, the Middle East Armageddon of 2173, and the War of Exodus in 2212. Tarzan and Jane, Korak and Meriem and Nkima dodged all the bullets and horror, living vigorous lives of eternal youth and where very happy together.

But eternal life for Tarzan's family was not to be. The supply of pills came to an end one day and the jungle lord sadly watched first his wife of the centuries grow old and die, then his son and daughter-in-law. Disconsolate, grieving deeply, Tarzan and little Nkima roamed a world so changed from the tarmangani's youth: a solar event had elevated the temperature of the planet by 4 degrees--evaporating much of the world's water, creating vast expanses of desert and arid land. Tarzan missed his swims in cool streams, but there were no open bodies of water, only distant springs which barely provided enough water to sustain life.

Then came the day that Nkima, grey-haired and shrunken, departed life. Tarzan wept without shedding tears as he buried his friend.

The years continued to pass and the ape-man, still youthful, still strong, still as handsome as when Jane first saw him, roamed a world of sand and desert, dreaming of a jungle stream or quiet pool where he might swim and bathe. It was not to be, however, and the ape-man scowled as he realized that Tarzan ripens forever.


Ferdinand Feghoot sadly reported the fate of the Reverend Elmo Milldrip to the Peoria Society for the Conversion of Cannibals.

"I told him the Ngusa were utterly unredeemable, but he just wouldn't listen. God had sent him an infallible ally, John, Lord Greystoke, better known as Tarzan of the Apes, who of course was a real person, very impressive in his lion-skin loincloth. 'Mr. Feghoot,' he told me indignantly, when I tried to dissuade them, 'I am still Lord of the Jungle!'

"Swinging from tree to tree, the three of us reached the Ngusi capital where, behind its thorn boma, the natives were preparing a feast, and Greystoke, seizing a vine, uttered the bloodcurdling battle-cry of the Great Apes and launched himself over their heads. Unhappily, he had put on weight in retirement and the vine broke in mid-air.

Before our horrified eyes, the cannibals slew him, converted most of him into stew, and dried his intestines, with which they restrung a primitive musical instrument. After the ghastly banquet, their Chief started playing it. He played on and on, and poor Brother Milldrip seemed to be hypnotized. He refused to make his escape, and finally I was forced to abandon him there."

"But why wouldn't he leave?" asked the Chairman.

"He was not only pious," replied Ferdinand Feghoot. "He was also a patriot. He must have believed that the Chief meant to play . . . the Tarzan's tripes forever."