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Tarak's Temple of Tongue

Bob Woodley, aka Tawny-Haired-Barbarian aka THB aka Tarak, is a voluminous poster on the ERB listservers (ERBList & ERBCOF-L). Occasionally he produces a gem or two among his many ramblings. Herewith appears the Savage One's poetic musings.

TAEC: a PoView

My own thoughts about this book were a bit terse, for my style. Also, this poetry stuff is something I enjoy, when we can get away with it. Though many have adopted the styles of "Homer" and "Pope" for their literary efforts in posts recently, after some consideration I rejected these and opted for that combination made famous by those literary giants, "Homo" and "Poop". This, then, is my own version of "TAEC"

Well, the Emperor was missing,
And fair Dian missed his kissing,
So the Gridley wave was hissing
Way down there.

And Jason heard it calling,
And he wasn't one for stalling,
And he didn't care ‘bout falling
Way down there,

So the ape-man he went seeking,
And by through the jungle peeking,
Soon with Tarzan he was speaking,
Over there.

So they made an expedition
To save David from perdition,
Pellucidar's no superstition,
Way down there.

They were down there pretty soon,
Where life begins and ends at noon,
And there isn't any moon
Way down there.

So they flew through all that haze,
And they couldn't count the days,
Nor were helped by watch displays
Way down there.

Pretty soon they wandered ‘round,
And the ship could not be found,
Even Tarzan did confound,
Way down there.

Jason met a girl by chance,
And his emotions rose in dance,
Was this an ERB romance?
Way down there.

Lost, the ape-man went to roam,
With fading thoughts of distant home,
And all that jungle yet to comb
Way down there.

While Muviro led his ten,
Not even knowing where they'd been,
While poor von Horst was gone by then,
Way down there.

Thoar lost Tarzan, then found he,
Who would brother-in-law be,
Both at Dum-Dum roomed with me,
Over there.

Jana then found a happy Tarzan,
Still bewildered by no stars, 'n,
Let's be glad it wasn't Carson
Way down there.

Or they'd be forever lost,
And would never know the cost,
When blonds get directions crossed,
Way up there.

Then they met those awful lizards,
Who were trying to skew their gizzards,
When the spears were thrown like blizzards
Way down there.

But the Horibs were no match,
For a stout limb did he catch,
And a plan did Tarzan hatch,
Way down there.

Then he smelled his brave Waziri,
So we started to feel cheery,
Now our thoughts were much less teary,
Way up here,

With those rifles they were gunning,
And the lizards started running,
Ah, we know the ape-man's cunning,
Any where.

In the airship, all united,
Soon the Korsar city sighted,
Where the Emperor was slighted,
Way down there,

Their demands of course were made,
And because of power, paid
Since the Cid was quite afraid,
Way down there.

David went to Sari,
And Jana's eyes were starry,
For she had her own safari,
Way Down There,

Jason Gridley was her prey,
And I think I'll safely say,
That he smiled that endless day
Way down there,

And as for this THB,
He was happy as can be,
To read this great ERB,
Way up here.

Moops PoView

I'm about poeted out, but I wanted to do one more in that combination of heroic poetic styles I mentioned, and which is usually referred to as "Moops", though some, including the Bubble Boy, criticize this precise literary descriptive term.

Since I mentioned Tarzan, Pellucidar, and Even Venus in TAEC, I thought I would choose a random Barsoom for a PoView, so I picked one off the shelf:

She was such a perfect creation,
Fairest girl of Barsoom's greatest nation,
I get dizzy with no explanation,
Lost in her eyes.

Gahan saw her, then swift, he caught'er,
It was plain that the jed knew he ought'er,
Dance with Barsoom's fairest daughter,
How one's love tries,

But she saw diamonds and just a head,
And rebuked this resplendent far jed,
Did he then wish he'd rather be dead?
Not such bold guys.

How she had hertwo handsome fellas,
After her, but neither was jealous,
Still the jed's own plans were so zealous,
Passions can rise.

She was gossamer, leather and fire,
So she flew to soothe her great ire,
In her blazoned one-princess flier,
Through stormy skies.

She flung her craft, trying to steer,
But these Barsoom winds had no peer,
Still this Princess showed nothing of fear,
In those fierce eyes,

But her flier was soon disabled,
And her own adventure then tabled,
Now we hoped she'd be enabled,
When she tries,

But they captured her just like that,
Then they tried to get Tara fat,
Soon she'd be simmering in their vat,
A sad surprise,

So she started some female humming,
When she stopped, Ghek started bumming,
In his brain, those tunes were drumming,
Lows and the highs,

And though Ghek is a Kaldane,
And supposed to be all one brain,
She was giving him such a pain,
And some sweet sighs.

This was no red place like Tjanth,'n,
She'd been hunted by savage banth'n,
So when she met a common Panthan,
It seemed pretty wise,

To go with, him so they'd wander
Close and far, whether here or yonder,
And now and then she would ponder,
His odd disguise.

And though in some ways that Ghek,
Was physically some sort of wreck,
Still, she thought, what the heck,
He seemed so nice,

And they'd bother with no fearsome rat,
It's those ulsios which make heads so fat,
In Bantoom there's no need for a cat,
I'd surely surmise.

Later they found a lost city,
Whose Jeddak found Tara so pretty,
But Turan had courage so gritty,
Watched by her eyes,

Imprisoned, they'd just had enough,
Not only was life becoming rough,
But her body, one man would stuff,
Which means she dies,

But then on the Field of Jetan,
Gahan made the opponent a cretin,
And this brave panthan's not cheatin'
Each time he vies.

So she watched her brave Panthan fight,
Which to her was a wondrous sight,
And as daylight meandered to night,
Tears filled her eyes,

For she loved this brave Panthan,
Over any jed, chose her Turan,
And finally whispered, "My Chieftain",
Becoming his prize.

But he did not love her the less,
And so said to her "My Princess",
Well, In my view they'd had enough stress,
And running from spies.

Then the Warlord with face so grave,
Battled forth, his fair daughter to save,
And thus did Gahan become slave,
And happily, sighs.

Though Gahan has my good cheers,
I must confess I have some fears,
He'll live all of that thousand years,
So Tawny Cries.

Still I loved this ancient book,
And I'll take another look,
Each and every ERB book,
Is a treasured prize.


Well, I had to write one more PoView. I wasn't that happy with my last one, and I hadn't done my favorite, so I took some time with this one, and hope everyone enjoys it. Now I can turn my attention to stories, perhaps. Although I tend to change tenses and poetic forms as effortlessly as I change topics, nonetheless, I'm pleased with this one, and in fact thus far regard it as my moopsterpiece.

This then, is Tarak's Ode To "Apes".

Well, he had no business telling,
But my pulps had started selling,
So I didn't start in yelling,
When he spoke.

So he talked of mutinies,
Lords and apes and lofty trees,
And pretty soon I said "More, please",
About Greystoke,

On Fuwalda they did sail,
John was brave to no avail,
So far from home their baby'd wail,
When he's born,

It was hard on John and Alice,
But Black Michael had no malice,
Though some others sure were callous,
That dark morn,

They were stranded with their stuff,
And they sure did have enough,
Though the living would be tough,
In this place,

So Lord Greystoke built a cabin,
And some spears and sticks for jabbin',
Though he had that knife for stabbin',
Things he'd face,

Then one day an ape they'd fight
Alice came unhinged from fright,
>From that day her thoughts were slight,
Till she died,

Clayton cared for her that year,
And when a son was born so dear,
They named him John and shed a tear,
As he cried,

Meanwhile Kala's baby died,
From fleeing Kerchak and she cried,
Mothers all have love inside,
For their child,

Then savage Kerchak killed the man,
But Kala grabbed the child and ran,
And thus was truly "born" Tarzan,
In the wild.

To the ape-boy she was mother,
And he loved her as no other,
For he never had another,
So he thought,

First the white-skin was so small,
That the others cast a pall,
And most hoped that he would fall,
When he fought.

But our Tarzan was too smart,
And drew strength from Kala's heart,
So he conquered that slow start,
And he grew,.

And by 10 he was the best,
At the feats they played to test,
And no longer felt a guest,
Among that crew.

He learned the worth of water,
Dove to frustrate Sabor's slaughter,
For he never could have fought her,
Within reach,

From this episode he learned,
And within him knowledge burned,
All the time his thoughts were turned,
Toward that beach,

Tarzan learned how to explore,
And finally opened up the door,
Nothing could have pleased him more,
In his eyes,

And it wasn't long before,
He'd opened dusty books galore,
He was standing on the shore,
Such a prize.

But even more he found that knife,
Which he'd have for all his life,
And would save him in that strife,
With his foes,

That cherished blade soon saved our Tarzan,
>From Bolgani, though with scars ‘n,
Though the blows made him see stars ‘n,
Stuff, he grows.

For brave Kala found her child,
And kept away the dangers wild,
While she made his suffering mild,
As she could,

Though her life would soon be stilling,
And her blood would then be spilling,
She should be avenged in killing,
And he would.

Even now the ape-man's growing,
Has resulted in his throwing,
All the apes, and now is sowing,
In his thought,

A savage primal lust for battle,
Soon Tublat's throat will finally rattle,
Now he's the Lord, they're only cattle,
How he fought!

Tarzan needs no thunderstick,
And although Numa's pretty quick,
He's a foil for Tarzan's trick,
He's like Ara,

Thirty feet he'll drop and bound,
Never coming near the ground,
And when hungry he'll be found,
Eating Bara,

Since no girl-food will he touch,
For the ape-man's learned that much,
Green stuff makes a lousy crutch,
For real food.

He hunts Horta, taunts that Dango,
But he'd never touch a mango,
Fruit and meat, they just don't tango,
Where's the blood?

Though he failed to take her hide,
When he snared Sabor and tried,
Still dear Kala danced with pride,
And for joy,

Now he's feared by all the others,
Fierce mangani, long his brothers,
Kala with her love still smothers,
Her dear boy.

Now he wants to know of men,
So he travels now and then,
For of them he has no ken,
But he'll learn,

As he's learning in his studies,
Even when the terms he muddies,
And all enemies he bloodies,
In their turn,

And when Kala cruelly dies,
Tarzan's scar begins to rise,
And revenge is in his eyes,
So he kills.

And he keeps on killing blacks,
Stops them coldly in their tracks,
For there's nothing that he lacks,
In such skills,

He has learned to kill for pleasure,
And if vengeance is a measure,
He sure found a source to treasure,
With those guys.

Not content to merely kill,
He's acquired another skill,
A sense of humor now to fill,
Odd surprise,

Kala never he'd forget her,
Or would ever once regret her,
For he'd lived because he'd met her,
As a child,

Though the natives tried to hide,
He had made them terrified,
And their eyes were always wide,
He was wild.

Now he's tired of Kerchak's stench,
He can't read his father's French,
And he still don't have a wench,
So he's pissed.

So he makes a savage fling,
And a victory song he'll sing,
Killing Kerchak, he is king,
That's the gist.

With his father's savage knife,
Ending that tormentor's life,
Now he'll surely avoid strife,
So it seems,

But the Porters come a calling,
Pretty soon our Tarzan's falling,
Deep in love and soon he's bawling,
In his dreams,

So he writes to them a letter,
But he could have written better,
If he really planned to get her,
For his mate,

Pretty soon he saves that Clayton,
But he's still no nearer matin'
And most men he's close to hatin'
It's his fate.

Then he saves them from the lion,
And they surely would be cryin',
Now our ape-man he is sighin',
For that girl.

She's a blonde and oh so fair,
Even seen through shocks of hair,
Every time he sees her there,
Senses whirl.

He saves Clayton once again,
And he's growling oh so plain,
But the man must have no brain,
To understand,

Now old Sabor's after Jane,
Climbing through the window pane,
Soon her tail's been grabbed in pain,
By Tarzan's hand,

He pulls her out and breaks her neck,
Then he figures what the heck,
I'll give a bull ape cry and trek,
Far away,

Since he left them that clear note,
Maybe they all took a vote,
And to them he's just a mote,
Love don't pay.

AQP and that Philander,
Walk around to take a gander,
At the jungle, nothing's grander,
But they know.

Savage Numa he's a prowling,
Pretty soon he's started growling,
Sweaty faces need some toweling,
So they go.

Then the ape-man saves their bacon,
Hauls them up and they're quite shaken,
Pretty soon these guys he's taken,
To their group.

And in fact it's plain to see,
If he'd let them wander free,
They would all forever be,
In the soup.

Now that Porter's lost his jewels,
They all feel like poor damn fools,
Even with degrees from schools,
They are broke.

But the ape-man sees the treasure,
And he digs it up for pleasure,
Moves it elsewhere in his leisure,
It's his joke.

Then our hero starts a peeping,
At the blonde when she is sleeping,
And his heart will be a-weeping,
When she goes

So he steals away that letter,
Thus to get to know her better,
For he's still inclined to get her,
And it shows.

His reply is still mistaken,
For another's, then Jane's taken,
By an ape, so Tarzan's makin'
For their trail.

Terkoz pushed his luck too far,
We can see the ape-man's scar,
And this fight's no friendly spar,
But to death.

Now Jane feels the ape-man's love,
When he grabs her, she don't shove,
For she knows that she's in love,
With each breath.

So her picks her up to carry,
Primal men they never tarry,
And they never wait to marry,
When they start.

Then that locket Jane espies
So he looks into her eyes,
And he gives it, for he's wise,
In his heart.

Then they part with one last kiss,
For she knows that she will miss,
Her forest god, their time was bliss,
He must go.

For the soldiers had to fight,
And took on the whole tribe's might,
Till they stopped because of night,
And don't know.

That their own beloved D'Arnot
Who is fond of escargot,
Will soon be pricked both high and low,
And then cooked.

But the natives can't be steaming,
When they're scared of Tarzans screaming,
Will they never stop bad dreaming,
As they looked,

Tarzan dragged a man through air,
So the rest of them, aware,
Started getting out of there,
Paul was saved

He was in some awful danger,
But was saved by white-skin stranger,
That first jungle airborne ranger,
Dangers braved.

Meanwhile though he's saved him twice,
Clayton's not so very nice,
And the ape-man pays a price,
In a word.

But to Jane it's not the least,
She has felt emotion's feast,
And she loves him, man or beast,
If he'd heard.

Tarzan mends Paul's awful bruising,
But by this time Jane is cruising,
And it looks like he'll be losing,
His love fair.

Finally Paul D'Arnot is walking,
And the guys they get to talking,
For that cabin then they're stalking,
No one's there.

When the note says "no return",
Tarzan's heart begins to burn,
And now from this life he'll turn,
And go away,

For an ape would leave a friend,
But we know that in the end,
That his savagery will bend,
This new day.

Tarzan reads her note, and bruised,
Since she got him so confused,
As a man he feels so used,
And so alone,

So he travels with his friend,
And they talk and bruises mend,
We can see this journey's end,
And we groan.

Finally they arrive in France,
Where D'Arnot adopts a stance,
That his friend has more than chance,
On his side,

So he gives some prints as asked,
Then upon a ship he basked,
Keeping other feelings masked,
Deep inside.

Meanwhile Jane has left Balsoom,
In Wisconsin, there's more room,
But a danger there will loom,
And a press.

Canler's pushing her to marry,
And it's getting pretty scary,
For their debt's too much to carry,
What a mess.

Then she's threatened by the flames,
Danger seems to haunt this dame,
Until through the trees he came,
Forest God.

But then after they get back,
Canler's tries to stay on track,
To get her safely in the sack,
What a clod.

But however men fear fire,
It's as nothing when the ire,
Of the ape-man stirs, so dire,
And Canler leaves.

But now Clayton's got the ball,
And he wants it, Jane and all,
So the ape-man takes a fall,
Though he grieves.

He's a hero with no cape,
And they listen mouths agape,
As he says his mom's an ape,
Though he knows.

And his love for Jane will burn,
In each twisting path and turn,
And I hope he'll soon Return,
So it goes.

That's the end of this great book,
I'm so glad I took a look,
Perhaps fiction's greatest hook,
by ERB.

Though the sun down there still shines,
And perhaps the Warlord whines,
Still, the Greatest One reclines,
In that tree.


What with the tales of letters writing to ERB/ERB Inc., it reminded me of a song we've all heard, so inevitably I started rhyming. This is one I might add to eventually, since it's particularly appropriate when we think of this writer. I wonder if Bob Hope was a fan of ERB.

Thanks, for the ERBs
For Tarzan and for Jane,
For Tantor on the plain,
For Numa's roar,
And blood and gore,
And Carson in his plane,
I thank you,

Thanks, for the tales of Mars,
For Dejah and JC
For temples by the sea,
For tales of Banth,
And far-off Tjanth,
And Tara's memory,
Yes thank you,

Thanks, for Pellucidar,
For David and his mate,
These stories are so great,
That endless sun,
It's so much fun,
My thirst you never sate,
So thank you,

Thanks, for Caprona too,
The land that time forgot,
I shall forget it not,
They've seemed to solve,
How to evolve,
And always a good plot,
So thank you,

Thanks, for the warriors,
That jeddak known as Tars,
The greatest one on Mars,
And savage Nu,
And Thandar, too
And one with facial scars,
I thank you,

Thanks, for the Princesses,
For Tavia so fair,
And others that were there,
Within those books,
Such wondrous looks,
I'd close my eyes and stare,
So thank you,

Thanks, for that Lord of Apes,
He is your brightest star,
We even love that scar,
No pleasure I,
Can measure by,
Those words I've carried far,
So thank you,

Thanks, for the memories,
I know once Tarzan cried,
That dark day when you died,
And millions wept,
But with them kept
Your treasured words inside,
So thanks from,