Exploring the Life and Works of Edgar Rice Burroughs

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Summarizing ERB's works one chapter at a time
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Articles, Contributors: Tangor Responds, Edgardemain, ERB: In Focus, Nkima Speaks, Beyond 30W, Tantor Trumpets, Dime Lectures, Korak in Pal-ul-don, Public Domain novels of ERB
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Worlds of: Barsoom, Pellucidar, Moon, Amtor, Caspak, Pal-u-don
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Barsoom Poet's Corner

Lazarus Long once said: "A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits." Well, kiddies, here's your chance to get nasty! Send your poems about Barsoom, or ERB, oh, heck, ANY world of Burroughs, and I'll publish it here. Send to: Make Me Famous! (tangor@erblist.com) Anonymous submissions considered, but I'd rather you say: "Print my name!"


Ode to the Grand Master
David Bruce Bozarth

At the end of his dreams, near destitute

Just inches away from a landlord's boot

By a pencil sharpener sat a man;

With pen in hand,

He wrote so grand

First Carter, then Tarzan.

With babes to feed he courted greed

Bleeding his soul into words to breed

Romantic adventures and foreign lands

And at newstands

The people band

In lines for Carter and Tarzan.

From that beginning ere 1912

Swashbucklers all with nary an elf

Stalwart heroes magna cum grand!

Tales of grit and sand,

Soft maidens' hands--

Hail, father of Carter and Tarzan!

Remarking The Barsoomian Thoat
David Bruce Bozarth

O, steed of the dead sea bottoms,

valiant heart pounding,

racing across ochre sward

beneath the ruddy light of Thuria,

whence comes thy titantic strength,

thy inexhaustible stamina,

thy good presence in battle?

Sturdy swift limbs carry thy warrior

to grim glory, be he red or green,

black, white or yellow.

Battle Song of the Torquasian Warriors
J. G. Huckenpöhler

Out across the desert sand,

Laying waste the fertile land:

Deadly spears in every hand--

For Torquas charge!


On your thoats, then, men of Torquas, ride!

Lance and longsword, turn the battle's tide!


Till our war-thoats all go lame,

Till the red men fall in shame,

Till all Barsoom quakes at our name:

For Torquas charge!


On your thoats, then, men of Torquas, ride!

Lance and longsword, turn the battle's tide!


Mighty Helium shall fall,

None shall answer Duhor's call,

Lothar's bowmen vanquished all:

For Torquas, charge!

Our first limerick
Elmo Lincoln (Jeff Long)

There once was a man from Jasoom

whose sword slashed through the horde of Warhoon

He defeated old Issus

With incredible slices

Now he's the Warlord of Barsoom

Shame of the Sorak
David Bruce Bozarth

Fellow soraks, alack, alas

We're nothing like Earthling cats!

Negligently cited

As something benighted

Let's go kick ERB's ___!

Sittin' On A Busted Quay
(With apologies to Otis Redding)
David Bruce Bozarth

I'm sittin' on a busted quay, wanting tides to roll away

Sittin' on a busted quay, the rest of my life.


I left my home in Gathol, looking for the Dusor Bay

2,000 haads I've travelled, but there's nothing here today.

I'm sittin' on a busted quay, wanting tides to roll away

Sittin' on a busted quay, the rest of my life.


No surf, no ships, no welcome, from fishermen tending their nets.

The dust from dead sea bottoms, hold memories of being wet.

I'm sittin' on a busted quay, wanting tides to roll away

Sittin' on a busted quay, the rest of my life.


Look! There's martians riding on thoats,

I hope they won't slice my throat.

Why can't people live peacefully

Instead of makin' pieces of me?


So back to the deserts I'll go, dead seas hold no interest you know.

Just 'cause there's no water at home, doesn't mean I can't farm that loam.

Sittin' on a busted quay, wanting tides to roll away

Sittin' on a busted quay, the rest of my life.

In Cold Desert Light
Charles "Thoat" Gramlich

A failed flier. A Warlord walks

Strides for Helium in the dark

Never caring what rude beasts stalk

From savage Banth to deadly Thark


Yet the night is not lorn as it seems

A hundred eyes are quick to follow

But in those orbs no light gleams

For all are empty, the sockets hollow


All those bodies John Carter killed

Risen up from death to seek his life

Stirred again, called up and willed

By a new mastermind, a lord of strife


A quick rush of feet stirs the dust

In cold desert light of Martian moons

And swords are drawn, black with rust

The dead are coming across the dunes


The Warlord hears and spins around

Sees his enemy. Their shadows loom

And from their throats an awful sound

Calls John Carter, shrieks his doom


There is no fear in Carter's face

He draws his steel and gives a yell

For the attack, his muscles brace

His blade swings, rings like a bell


The air is thin and the lungs quiver

As John Carter goes out to war

Under wicked skies the swords shiver

And death, it seems not far


Though his enemies cannot be bled

And corpses raised don't die again

Carter hacks necks, cuts off a head

Kicks away skulls and lunges in


The moons pass, the dawn it creeps

The dead lie in pieces on the ground

Upon the last, John Carter leaps

Then walks on until he's found

The Ballad of Egregious Greg
J. G. Huckenpöhler
and David Bruce Bozarth
(with apologies to Edgar Rice Burroughs
and Robert W. Service,)

There's a story told in bars in the wilder parts of Mars

(And I'm not about to say that it is true)

Of a miner known as Greg--a most peculiar egg--

And a half-caste Martian girl named Dejah Vu.

(She claimed to be Dejah Thoris's half-sister.)


Nylosyrtis' mining town, with its tailings all around

Was the only place that Greg could call a home.

For he'd come up from the mines, and pay off all his fines,

And then from bar to bar he'd start to roam.


Of all the sleazy bars out among the scattered stars

The sleaziest by far was "Dirty Kal's."

And of all the cheap saloons beneath the Martian moons,

It was Kal's to which Greg stumbled with his pals.


But there he sobered quickly--though his voice came more thickly--

When he saw Dejah there behind the bar,

And of all the girls he'd seen (which were few and far between)

He swore she was the loveliest by far.


Her complexion, it was mottled; her hair was from a bottle;

To lovesick Greg it mattered not a whit.

At her feet he threw his pick, and said, "Come with me, quick,

My Princess, and we'll gad about a bit."


Now all the miners know, after just a week or so,

That you don't go messing 'round with Martian dames.

For they've husbands, fathers, brothers, or "significant others"

Who'll avenge with gun or blade their ladies' shame.


But it seems that Greg and Vu had a secret rendesvous

One cold and dark and stormy Barsoom night;

Wherein they found a flyer, a Phor Tak Forty-niner

And disappeared into the raging night.


"Oh, Dear," cried Dejah Vu, "What are we both to do?"

The maiden cringed, she nearly screamed with fright.

"Have no fear, my comely dear," scoffed our hero with a sneer,

"I'll protect you with my oh-so-manly might."


The flyer was swept higher and it seemed the sky afire

and our Greg struggled hard with the controls.

"You know it is the season for the wind to blow unreasoned

perhaps we should have taken just a stroll!"


Across the face of Barsoom was swept the lovebird twosome

'Til the Forty-niner smacked into a hill.

And as it caught afire, Greg saved them both from dire

consequence as items bar-be-que!


By then it was a-dawning, and Vu stood a-yawning

While Greg contemplated what to do,

When to the west came clanking, a mighty noise a-making

And a terrifying host hove into view!


"Oh dear!" cried Vu a-shaking, "Oh my!" she wailed, a-quaking

"Oh mother's precious tiny pet sorak!

"'Tis Warhoons, Thurds or Tharks, those most malevolent sharks

of this dusty dead sea bottom cul-de-sac!"


Now our fearless miner Greg, that so heroic egg,

reached quick for sword or knife by which to save them.

Vu knew her too dear twit was armed with just a pick

An insufficient tool by which to do gross mayhem.


Now Vu in all her glory (of course, it's her true story!)

Spoke sweetly to prevent a terrible fight.

"If you spare my man Greg," the poor dear girl begged,

"I'll show you one hell of a night!"


The bold Jed of the Warhoons, a cold 'Hoon known as the 'Toon,

said "Mars girls are a 'lovers' delight.'"

So, Greg was bound tightly and Vu said "Good nighty,"

and the Warhoon took Vu from Greg's sight.


But with the coming of dawn the lovebirds were gone

The Great Jed Toon's rage could light a fire--

For among her hidden charms was an extra pair of arms

Bequeathed by an unknown Tharkish sire!

FINIS

Tars Han of the Apes
Chris Holt

Listen my children and you shall hear

A fantastic tale that emerged from my beer.

A prince of Barsoom and his darling wife

Set out in a ship to begin a new life;

An atmosphere plant they were going to run

Replacing the old man whose time there was done.


But Black Pirate Michael aboard the air craft

Mutinied, killed the dwar, let the ship waft

Hither and thither, not knowing the way

To anywhere; so after a day

When they found Lost Horz and the prince wanted off

Dropped him and his bride there; they then heard the cough


Of a great white ape, come to have a look see

At who was disturbing their afternoon tea.

The prince and his princess took refuge in flight,

And found a safe building while there was still light.

Not easy was life for the castaway pair;

Of apes and Green Martians they had to beware.


Despite all the dangers, an egg they soon laid

But the mother's mind twisted through being afraid;

And after the hatching one day they were found

By an ape tribe that killed the two; then with a bound

An ex-mother ape quickly sprang to the child,

Defended him well, sang the call of the wild.


He followed her, loved her, grew up as an ape,

Believed himself one, never thought to escape.

His name in the ape tongue was Tars Han, which means

Little Redskin; and so he grew into his teens.

He started to watch the Greens and then one day

He saw a fair maiden and wanted to play.


She was afraid of him, with his red skin

And animal growls; and his manhood was thin.

So he gave up on love, played some barbaric games;

Green Martians grew wary, called him devilish names.

And so things went on, till when he reached eighteen

A high-flying Helium air ship was seen.


While charting air currents it spotted the city

And thinking of treasure dropped low; more's the pity

For soon within range of Green rifles it came,

It was hit, losing buoyancy; soon it was lame.

So Tars Han came looking to check out the noise

And saw his first red men; but joy of all joys


A woman, exquisite, perfection complete

Emerged from the ship; took control in her sweet

But no-nonsense manner; she ordered repairs

While Tars Han was leaping down great flights of stairs

To meet her and greet her; but ere he came out

His shyness took over him, filled him with doubt.


So what could he say to her? What if she thought

He was lower than something her sorak had caught?

So pausing he noticed a banth coming near;

Just as it attacked he well-cast his long spear

Transfixing the animal ere it had leapt

But when they came to see, far away he had crept.


The story goes on, how some rescuers showed

Led by handsome Dar Noh, with an Officer's Code

That caused him to go and get captured by Greens,

Then rescued by Tars Han we skip many scenes

Of healing and learning and travel about

Till he meets his fair maiden and threatens a lout


Whose marriage he cancels; a cousin steps in

Before Tars Han can ask, he can no longer win;

Then learns his identity, cares not for that:

He makes the great sacrifice, so in a chat

Avers that his mother an ape must have been

Assuring the wealth of his love and his kin.

SHE'S ALWAYS A PRINCESS
Tarak of Kalnor (Bob Woodley)
from "The Tawny-haired Stranger"
With apologies to Billy Joel)
(Dedicated to Gahan, Jed of Gathol)

She can kill with a smile

She can wound with her eyes

She can ruin your health

In Barsoomian skies

And she only reveals

What she wants you to see

She hides like a child

But she's always a Princess to me.

She can lead you to love

She can take you or leave you

She will ask for the truth

But she'll never believe you

And she'll take what you give

Her as long as it's free

She steals hearts like a thief

But she's always a Princess to me


Oh, it's fair Tara herself

She can fly if she wants

She's ahead of her time

Oh, and she just loves to pout

And she never gives in

She just changes her mind


She will promise you more

Than the Valley of Dor

Then she'll carelessly hurt you

And you'll only want more

But she'll bring out the best

And the worst you can be

Blame it all on yourself

Cause she's always a Princess to me


Oh, it's fair Tara herself

She can fly if she wants

She's ahead of her time

Oh, and she just loves to pout

And she never gives in

She just changes her mind


Till the last few small pages

To you she'll be cruel

She does as she pleases

And you're always her fool

She can't be restricted

She's his daughter, you see

And the least she will do

Is sic Kaldanes on you

But she's always a Princess to me.

A BARSOOMIAN ALPHABET
or
ACROSS THE DEAD SEA BOTTOMS
WITH STROPHE AND ANAPEST
J. G. Huckenpöhler

* A *


The APT is a horrible beast;

Upon corpses it's rumored to feast.

In the Carrion Caves

Is the food it most craves;

Emily Post would be highly displeased.


* B *


The BANTH, scourge of Barsoom's dry plains

Uses mostly his stomach for brains.

His roar is ferocious,

His manners atrocious,

And he never leaves any remains.


* C *


The CALOT's the green man's best friend;

His loot it will often defend.

It's incredibly fleet

On its ten furry feet

And has teeth at the business end.


* D *


The DARSEEN, the desert's live jewel,

Often comes to an end that's quite cruel.

By a Thark it was caught

And thrown into a pot

To flavor an insipid gruel.


* E *


At EXUM is longitude zero,

A fact that was lost on our hero.

Until the ninth book

All his measures he took

From Horz, for reasons not clear, oh!


* F *


FAL SIVAS, a sage of Zodanga,

Kept a space ship concealed in his hangar.

Its directing brain

Was the cause of much pain

To everyone in this cliff-hanger.


* G *


Beware of the GREEN MARTIAN's mirth,

For a good laugh is all a life's worth.

Their humor is bad

Because they all had

An unhappy reception at birth.


* H *


The twin cities of HELIUM shine,

Their scarlet and gold towers are fine.

Tardos Mors is its ruler;

Dejah Thoris is cooler --

"Lesser Helium's John Carter's and mine."


* I *


Old ISSUS, a hideous hag

Of her beauty was accustomed to brag.

Then with Carter she tangled,

And came out quite mangled

But will Xodar succeed her in drag?


* J *


Of JOHN CARTER much has been told;

He's strong, and he's reckless and bold.

But he meets Dejah Thoris

And proceeds then to bore us

Being tongue-tied and bashful and cold.


* K *


The KALDANE of distant Bantoom

Has been many a red Martian's doom.

With its mind it entraps,

With its chelae it snaps

And its RYKOR it rides like a broom.


* L *


The daughter of Gahan and Tara

Is LLANA -- we're told there's none fairer

(Except Grandma and Mum)

But Tan Hadron, with some

Arrogance, says Tavia can outstare her.


* M *


The MALAGOR, bird of ill omen

Is oft used by the hormads for roamin'.

With its sharp beak and claws

It's an asset because

It frightens the socks off their foemen.


* N *


For NUTUS of Dusar the game

Of statecraft involved a young dame.

But Thuvia'd have none

Of his high-stepping son

And Carthoris revealed Astok's shame.


* O *


The tiger-striped ORLUK is rare;

In the snow-covered north is its lair.

With its coat black and gold

It stands out bright and bold

And it surely does not belong there.


* P *


Let us pity the PLANT MEN of Dor;

They're not fed as much as before.

When John Carter found 'em

He fought circles around 'em,

And the pilgrims don't come any more.


* Q *


Of Q I have found not a trace;

(I just put this in to save face.)

The phoneme is found

In Torquas -- the sound

Gives a graphic idea of the place.


* R *


RAS THAVAS, to Morbus transported,

Designed Hormads of appearance ill-sorted.

They captured his lab

And left him with the tab

When their plans for world conquest were aborted.


* S *


The SILIAN, slimy and wet,

Is no one's idea of a pet.

In the Lost Sea of Korus

They wait patiently for us

To be caught by the Therns in their net.


* T *


A formidable mount is the THOAT,

A cross between dragon and goat.

Its temper is vicious;

Its mind is suspicious,

Or at least that's what ERB wrote.


* U *


The ULSIO's highly unpleasant;

In dungeons it's most often present.

It's the prisoner's bane,

Often drives them insane,

For it squeals and has eyes phosphorescent.


* V *


To VAD VARO, a soldier of earth

The red planet brought a rebirth.

As a surgeon's apprentice

He was most compos mentis

And to Duhor he proved his true worth.


* W *


There are WHITE APES in every dead city;

Their faces and tempers aren't pretty.

An intruder's pursued,

And clubbed, clawed, and chewed,

And digested without the least pity.


* X *


For XAXA, Jeddara of Phundahl,

The concept of beauty was all.

She rented the same

In Valla Dia's frame,

Until Tur brought about a recall.


* Y *


In Tjanath, YO SENO's the jailer

At whose name young maidens grow paler.

With his keys he's adept;

In bed he's a schlepp,

But with Tavia he's strictly a failure.


* Z *


The magnificent ZITIDAR

Is the largest of land beasts by far.

As a bearer of loads

In the absence of roads

It surpasses a four-wheel-drive car.

DR. SEUSS ON BARSOOM
Joseph S. Taylor

I would not eat them in the dark,

I would not eat them with a Thark.


I would not eat them in the rain,

I would not eat them with a Kaldane.


I would not eat them with a Darceen

I would not eat them in Omean.


I will not eat green eggs and ham.

I will not eat them, Rapas I am.

Journies
Dale "Vandor" Robinson

And I used to lie on my back in new-mown grass

Staring upward, to the stars and beyond,

Bradbury, Clarke, and Burroughs whispering

“They can be yours, son.”

And with their help, I journeyed

to far off stars in strange ships,

And with their help, I faced fearsome creatures,

the Barsoomian banth of Burroughs,

And rescued fair maidens on harsh planets,

the lovely Dejah Thoris,

and dreamt I was Warlord of Mars.


But now, I have no time to lie in new-mown grass,

And little time to stare upward to the stars.

Still Bradbury, Clarke and Burroughs oft whisper

“They can be yours.”

And from time to time, I ride

with the Red Hawk to drive

the hated Kalkars from my land,

Or face beautiful Nemone and deadly Belthar

upon the Field of Lions,

Faithful Jad-Bal-Ja at my side.


Now the house needs a coat of paint and the grass needs mown,

But I take a little time to stare upward to the stars.

And I know I never shall journey to Mars nor even the Moon,

And I shall find no fair maid

upon Barsoom’s dead seas,

nor fierce ten-legged lions

among the sharp mountain crags.

But there still stretches before me

a path beyond the farthest star.

And I will turn to the whisperers,

to Ray, to Arthur, to Ed, and say,

“You were right -- the adventures,

the stars, can still be mine!”

"T-A-V-I-A-"
To the tune of LOLA
Joseph S. Taylor

"Well, my name is Hadron, I'm a pretty cool boy

because my mommy is a princess and my dad's an Odwar

down in HASTOR...HA-ST-O-R...HASTOR..."


"I got me a sweetie: real society dame.

She's got good looks and fame, and I'll tell ya her name:

Sonoma Tora...T-O-R-A-...TORA..."


"Now I'm just a padwar in my daddy's Umak,

but when Tul Axtor kidnapped her, I vowed to get her back!


"On my one-man flier I set out for Jahar,

but with a bullet in my balast tank, I didn't get far!"


"The dames in Tul's harem were the cream of the crop,

but the butchy, manly, androgyn made my heart stop!

Oh, my TAVIA...T-A-V-I-A-...TAVIA...


"Once I laid my eyes on her masculine frame,

I knew I'd never love Sonoma Tora the same!

Oh, my TAVIA...T-A-V-I-A-...TAVIA...


"She wore a man's harness, and she wielded a sword.

Hair was short. Chest was flat. Had an ass like a boy.

Oh, my TAVIA...T-A-V-I-A-...TAVIA...


T-A-V-I-A-...TAVIA...

T-A-V-I-A-...TAVIA...


--RAPAS, The Ulsio!

(Now try it to the tune of "YMCA")!


January 7th, 1998, ERBList Moderator Bruce "Tangor" Bozarth challenged the list members to submit "Clean ERB limmericks of original (or not) composition. Best (and worst) will be posted at A Barsoom Glossary's Poet's Corner."

Madness ensued.

The following limericks are presented in chronological order (more or less). Various No-Prizes were awarded. I originally intended to put email links and real names on all these litrachoory delights. Real life intervened. No time. But you can find out who's who by checking the ERB Persona Directory.


Tangor's club is getting so dusty

'Cause ERBListers are much too rusty.

No posts and no boasts,

No roasts of plumb thoats

This place has become ter'bly musty.


Tarzan, that bold jungle fellow,

Stands on a kill and he bellows,

Be it Numa or mice,

He'll yell in a thrice

With a tone that is much less than mellow.


Sword wielding mighty John Carter

Is expert with hot steely carvers.

Several millions have died

'Cause his cut swings so wide

When somebody peeks at Dee's garter.


Old Perry resides in Pellucidar

An underground world down so very far

Of science he boasts,

While building skin boats,

His claim is that he's the most lucid-ar.


Tangor


The Mucker

Dere once wuz dis Mucker named Billy,

Who thought high society silly.

He met up wid a skirt,

Who thought he was dirt,

Their romance was sure to be hilly.


She was caught by a samurai dude,

Whose advances were really quite lewd.

It's a fate worse than death.

But he breathed his last breath.

She stabbed him. She was not in the mood.


Even so, she was trapped in his palace,

Other soldiers attacking with malice.

The Mucker showed up,

and bodies piled up.

About death, he was really quite callous.


Then off to safe refuge they went,

Where she taught him to speak like a gent.

It's not "dis" and "dat,"

it is "this" and "that."

A great skirt - er, great woman, I meant.


Ghak the Hairy One


I recall a young girl named Jane

who's ideals made romance such a pain

That the ape-man was lost

And we all knew the cost

Would be nearly as much as the gain.


And when finally the villian he knew

And could throttle with one little thew

She bade him forgo

His revenge, and we know

How they all ended up in a stew.


Tarak


I recall a fair princess with pleasure,

Her smile was my favorite treasure,

Though we all had to sigh

When she attempted to fly

Still her beauty was far beyond measure.


She liked to fly through a gale,

Though in steering she knew she would fail,

With wide eyes and black hair

She was tossed through the air,

And her red face became somewhat pale.


Still somehow she came down to rest,

Though she'd only begun her new test,

Now she had to survive

In the Kaldane's vast hive

And escape, or be eaten with zest.


So she met a huge head name Ghek

And together they started a trek

And she just had to ponder

If forever they'd wander,

And her love life would end up a wreck.


But even when friends with a head,

And not knowing when she'd be dead,

She found a brave man

Whether slave or panthan,

And ended up after all with her jed.


Tarak


There once was a John Carter of Mars

Who along with his green friend named Tars

Saved a Princess so fine

That Jeddaks did line

Helium's halls to gift her with stars


But for Dejah Thoris there was only her John

The man she had her heart set upon

Through wars and disaster

His sword was the master

and finally his ring she did don


Ghek


There once was a she-ape named Kala

who wanted to go to Valhalla

So she found an old ticket

she found in a thicket

and said "shucks my ticket's to an outdated game of cricket!"


Kala


Ghek and that Ulsio named Rapas

Faced off for a duel, but alas

Rapas was yellow

And Ghek the poor fellow

Tripped and fell on his a--


So Ghek lost his head

and bit Rapas instead

Flesh was a-flying

Rapas was crying

And Ghek asked for two slices of bread


Ghek


There once was a fellow on Venus

Who pondered the size of his...*

Opponents of note

Whom he mightily smote

And then shoved off the side of an edifice.


* get your mind out of the gutter: "meanest"


Tangor


Ghek's a head whose ahead of his time,

And he certainly knows how to rhyme,

So I used him and wrote

Of his travels of note

With the girl I regard as sublime.


Tarak


Of course, perhaps sooner than we expected, things began to rush headlong downhill!:


On Barsoom lived Ghek the Kaldane,

Whose life as a brain was mundane.

To the vats of Ras Thavas,

He was punted by Rapas,

And became a Hormad, jibbering and insane.


To Deja, Carter's question was directed,

"Could it be that my eyesight's defective?"

"It appears that your East Tit,

"Has bested the West Tit.

"Or, is it a trick of perspective?"


Rapas


Was there ever a creature so foul and so low

As Rapas, the aptly named Ulsio?

He stabs from the back

Ogles Dejah Thoris' rack

and as a rhymester is a pitiful foe!


Alone and friendless on Barsoom

John Carter nearly met his doom

Mighty Woola became his friend

Saved his bacon in the end

Then got sent back to his room


Ghek


In fights his fangs were skin-shucking

While Carter was thrusting and ducking

But back home in bed

He learned to play dead

When JC and DT were frolicking?


Woola


At this point your compiler has taken some liberties. Firstly, some submissions were a tad too tasteless and were not included. Secondly, meter and style suffered in the game warfare which erupted, thus edits have occurred to correct deficiencies without the various authors' knowledge or consent.


Ghek was outcast and reject,

Who simply could get no respect.

Said the assasins of Rapas,

"You'll never escape us!"

And rendered him Anantomically incorrect!


Rapas the Ulsio's a Raptor,

Who with sword or the quill knows no Master.

Filled the listserver with Laughter,

Caught a virgin and quaffed her

Sweat and escaped Pancrotheonic Disaster!


Rapas


Rapas the Ulsio you see

Has no idea of anatomy

Kaldanes with an a--

is like a Rapas with class

Something that ne'er will be


Ghek


A balding ex-statistician

Wrote pastiches without permission.

The pay was pathetic,

And Tangor, prophetic,

Warned him of quick legal admonition.


A. Q. Porter


On the anniversary of ERB's Birthday in 2002 a Bouquet of Verses was submitted by the taxidermist of Manator:

[Selected and translated by I-Gos]


(1) FOR DEJAH


There was a young princess of Mars

who kept her two babes in glass jars.

When reproached for that quirk,

she replied: "It's less work,"

that lethargic young Princess of Mars.


(2) BANTOOMIAN HOSPITALITY


There was a rich kaldane called Luud

whose treatment of guests was quite rude.

Not content to berate 'em;

he butchered and ate 'em,

that uncivil kaldane called Luud.


(3) PIGGING OUT [Excerpt from "Why Is That?"]


The bristly Barsoomian swine

must be soaked overnight in strong brine,

then slow-roasted,'til dead,

and served sliced, on dark bread,

with a dry red Dusarian wine.


(4) THE PETTING ZOO


Fair Thuvia, maid of Barsoom

kept a handsome tame banth in her room.

When they asked: "Does he bite?"

She said: "Only at night,"

that insouciant maid of Barsoom.


(5) POOR TECHNIQUE


Old I-Gos was blind as a bat.

And one awful night, due to that,

he mistook his young bride

for a girl who had died,

and pickled her in a stone vat.


(6) GROWING OLD GRACEFULLY


There was an old kaldane named Ghek,

whose body was rather a wreck.

It grew wrinkled and thin,

so he traded it in,

that indifferent old invalid, Ghek.


(7) PETIT DEJEUNER


A bulbous green granny Warhoon

ate raw ulsio guts with a spoon.

When they asked: "Don't you boil 'em?"

she croaked: "That would spoil 'em."

Meticulous granny Warhoon!


[Translator's note: Of course no green Barsoomian female can ever be identified as grandmother, because no record is kept of which eggs were laid by whom. Barsoomian does contain an diminutive/affectionate term denoting a female grandparent, but the word here translated as "granny" is the three-syllable abbreviation of a much longer compound which literally reads as "post-fertile-female/who-has-reared-at-least-one-female/who-has-reared-at-least-one-hatchling." Among red Barsoomians the compound term has been used by stockbreeders since very ancient times, and has more recently become part of the vocabulary of psychologists and ethologists studying animal behavior.]


Today was a fine fellow's birthday

To which we all shout hoo-ray!

We got Venus and Mars

And monsters in jar

And love the OB until this day!


"Rapas Disses Ghek: A Sonnet"

Emotionless thought. Intellectual monotony!

The philosophy maintained by Kaldanes as superior.

A perfected collective web without autonomy.


The interior brain beneath a putrid exterior

So centered on thought, unhindered by form.

Yet compared to the passions of man, most inferior.


A tempestuous princesses brought by a storm

Tantalizing the temporal: a temptress with tune.

Beneath Bantoom on Barsoom Ghek Burrows like a worm.


So wooed by her music, Ghek begged her to croone.

And himself tried to chortle and challenge Sir Rapas!

Ghek, humbled and broken, swooned like a buffoon.


What guile! How infantile, hostile, and vile!

To assume, (to your doom); to presume to outrhyme!

While so outclassed in style. What futile denial!

Such a prime waste of time. What a juvenile crime.

Go to Heck, Ghek! You poor Imbicle!


-- Rapas, The Ulsio!


With poisoned pen he spews forth venom

Words as evil as his mind

Corrupted thoughts as he doth pen them


Enraged, he is to beauty blind

The world a fetid mess

He wallows like all his kind


Nor is he able to confess

The true object of desire

Methinks he doth profess


While wallowing in the mire

Attempting to provoke

Ghek to match his ire


But Rapas is such a joke

It's hardly worth the effort

to deflect his puny poke


But when an ulsio begins to squeal

and claims that he's really dissing

Ghek hears the sound of his next meal

One Rapas will be missing


-- Ghek

"The Galloping Gourmet, Rapas!"

"Bantoomian Brisket," muses Rapas the Sloth

Contemplating his next meal with delight.

Or a perchance a platter of "Kaldane Cutletts" in broth.


"Ghek Goulash" is nice, but I had that last night.

A bowl of "Brain Boulabaise"--that would be quite tasty,

Or lite "King Crab Chelea" seasoned just right.


"Ghek Spider Cider" would likely taste nasty,

But his fat pumpkin head would make a nice pie,

And his "Cherry on top" eyes perfect any pastry.


Maybe I'd like a spicey "Rykor Rib-eye,"

and potato chips--or better yet fried "Ghek Lips"

Or his Head served with lettuce, on rice.


Chopped, diced, or thin-sliced makes enough stew for two.

For a great dip best served atop crackers,

Bash his brains with a bat for a grainy "Ghek-Goo".

Come, eat your fill all Ye Ulsios and Raptors!

-- Rapas, The Sloth!

"The Trouble with Vermin"

You stomp them ,you spray them, and yet

There's always one more

hiding himself under the banth dung, I bet!


Jaws slobberred with some sort of ichor

Who knows where he's been

And what he's been eating before


Rotting carcasses, sloughed off skin

All the same to an ulsio's taste

Perhaps once some were even his kin


Nothing so vile that it goes to waste

There! In the sewer!

Midst putrefication embraced


Lies Rapas the Ulsio, slothful and sated

Of garbage and swill he's eaten his fill

But there's only one end for which he is fated

Featured on the bill under JofV's road kill!


-- Ghek

A fickle young girl named Duare

Of romantic involvements was wary.

Then along came Napier

With a simpering leer

And a whispered, "Come, let us tarry."


But Duare blew hot and cold,

One moment brazen and bold,

The next moment distant --

Carson was persistent

Not too bright, but his heart was of gold.


For four volumes he went on like this

In pursuit of connubial bliss.

With ghoul and with Zani

Their adventures were many

Before he won over the Miss.


--- Huck

E.R.B.
A Reader's Tale
David David Bruce Bozarth

A gifted man wrote wond'rous tales

which filled our imaginations

with portraits of Fantasitc Trails

and Magical Destinations.


His stories breathed a sense of awe,

extoled heroic virtues

and shaped the minds of young men all

to emulate those virtues.


His damsels often were distressed

by villians debased and vile

but take charge and trouble address

they did with courageous smile.


His heroes were bold in their ways

sharp-witted and strong of arm;

loyalty coupled with fair-play,

and an engaging boyish charm.


Jungle men; diverted spacemen,

a Virginian who conquered Mars,

insane kings and ancient cavemen,

characters real, and bizarre.


Adventures found on alien worlds

or in a darkened alleyway

domains mundane--fantasy worlds--

we toured life's vigorous highways.


Most of all he gave us values

ones we can readily embrace:

Love and Life, Principle and Truth,

guidelines fine, humanity's grace.

--February 1987

Happy Holiday!
John Heckman

Green folks will gather in swarms,

and wave around all of their arms.

Both gents and dames

go WILD at the Games,

watching bloodshed without any qualms.

The Call of Pellucidar
John Martin, edgardemain

I want to go to Pellucidar,

Where Abner, David and Dian are;

Where lurks the mighty dinosaur,

And old age hardly leaves a scar.


I want to go to the Inner World,

With horizon every upward curled,

Where the Star of David is unfurled,

And from the mast of the Amoz twirled.


I don't want to go by Pole;

I want to go in the Iron Mole,

And burrow through a seam of coal,

Until I finally reach my goal.


I want to sail on the Az with Ja

(A Navy man without a flaw);

Like Heyerdahl, aboard the Ra,

His seamanship's the highest law.


I want to sail up North so far,

And attack the Port of ol' Korsar;

Just give me a ship, don't got no star

To steer 'er by in Pellucidar.


I want to roam 'neath the noonday sun,

With plenty of ammo and a trusty gun,

So leviathans that weigh a ton

Will see me coming and decide to run.


I want to take my savage mate

Out on a noonday luncheon date;

For a snorting thag we'll lie in wait,

Then roast a steak to please our pate.


I'll battle Mahars face to face,

And make them yield to the human race;

And when I'm tired of the hectic pace,

I'll put the book back in its place.


TARZAN, CARTER, CARSON & INNES
Ron Sandve
1/04/06

From the jungles of Africa to the plains of Barsoom

The gigantic forests of Amtor and mysterious Pellucidar

The master of adventure did, with his mighty pen

Take us to places even beyond the farthest star


And back on earth to a land that time forgot

Where wieroos, alus, bolus, and galus did ravage

With imagination and skill he performed his wonders

A cave girl, a moon maiden and the eternal savage


There was no TV and commercial radio was unknown

When a man in his mid-thirties began to tell his tales

And names like Tarzan, Carter, Carson and Innes

Topped the nation in book and magazine sales


Adults and children alike clamored for his words

When heroes would virtually leap from the pages

In wholesome albeit truth-stretching adventures

As the master storyteller weaved for all ages


There were places and heroes and so many villains

That stirred up so many emotions within us

Africa, Barsoom, Amtor and Pellucidar

Tarzan, Carter, Carson and Innes


A trip to the moon, a Mars shot gone wrong

Eldritch adversaries, magicians and false gods

Wizards, monsters and weird sub-humans

Fantastic adventures against impossible odds

TARZAN
(25 books)

Tarzan was best known of the Burroughs heroes

A man raised by apes due to a horrendous bungle

By birth he was the English Lord Greystoke

By accident he became the king of the jungle


His exploits were legendary, his prowess was great

He ruled his green empire with justice for all

With the lovely Jane Porter and Jack on his side

Wherever there was trouble he answered the call

The exotic city of Opar with its wealth of jewels

Monumental battles with savage beasts and bestial men

And gulliveresque ant guys from the land of Minuni

As a Tarzan triumphant prevailed again and again


Tarzan was not limited to the African jungle scene

He could be in England or France doing good deeds

The skyscrapers of New York or at the earth's core

Or northern Wisconsin, swinging through the trees


(Yes, Tarzan was in Wisconsin – See "Tarzan of the Apes")


He did not live in a tree house as Hollywood showed

But a fine plantation in Africa was his domicile

Tarzan was fluent in 5 languages plus "beast-speak"

"Me Tarzan, You Jane" just causes a smile

CARTER
(10 books)

Now John Carter the soldier had a fantastic existence

He died, something snapped and his essence left the tomb

And then he miraculously appeared in body and spirit

On what we earthlings call Mars, the natives Barsoom


His first encounter with some residents of Barsoom

Was something that could not be called pleasant all

Green babies hatched from eggs incubated five years

Fierce six-limbed adults that could grow to 15 feet tall


He befriended a green giant by the name of Tars Tarkas

And fell in love with a red princess called Dejah Thoris

He could jump 30 feet high and 100 feet long

Carter's exploits on Barsoom could never bore us


The races were at constant war on the dying planet

And the athletic Carter fit in the arena like a glove

Every tribe, it seemed, wanted a piece of Dejah

As Carter battled valiantly to keep his one true love


Down the Sacred Iss to the Valley Dor where Holy Therns

Plant men, white apes and the ebon First Born prevailed

To Manator where chess is played with humans to the death

And rykors and kaldanes added spice to Barsoomian tales


He braved the Carrion Caves and outwitted the apts

He conquered all obstacles under the moons and stars

Yellow, black, red and green men bowed before him

John Carter's exploits made him the Warlord Of Mars

CARSON
(5 books)

Not quite so noble was a man named Carson Napier

He blasted off for Mars like he hadn't seen us

But a miscalculation caused by the pull of the moon

And "Wrong Way Carson" ended up on Venus


Carson had mastered the art of telepathy

Thus he could communicate with Burroughs

And through this marvelous medium we were able

To follow his exploits on the Amtorian world


He fell in love with a Vepajan princess named Duare

He would lose her then find her and lose her again

With klangan and tharban and other weird creatures

Adventure followed adventure, there was no end


He battled the evil Mephis and his Nazi-like Zanis

And thwarted the Thorists and their communist ways

He befriended Ero Shan in flawless city of Havatoo

Yes, Carson Napier had a knack for Venusian forays

INNES
(7 books)

Whereas Carter and Carson roved the planets above

David Innes had his adventures in the world below

With his pal Abner Perry to the earth's core he went

In an Abner creation he called "The Iron Mole"


He fought the reptilian Mahars and their evil acts

And fell hopelessly in love with Dian The Beautiful

In this inner world the natives called Pellucidar

Where dinosaurs roamed and the people were cool


There was adventure aplenty and villains galore

Humans and sub-humans and a perpetual noon day sun

Where time was not measured and night was unknown

And Tanar, von Horst and even Tarzan joined in the fun


Pellucidar was pre-historic so David brought it up to date

With gun powder and cannons to replace rocks and spears

Now the natives could kill each other in a just few days

Whereas before Innes it would have taken several years

OTHERS

Bowen Tyler,Jr. stumbled onto the island of Caprona

And was marooned in a land that time had forgotten

Where all stages of evolution (and beyond) existed


There was danger and trials that bordered on rotten

Julian 5th went to the moon when trying for Mars

As there was a traitor (Orthis) aboard his ship


He discovered a hidden world beneath the surface

And found a moon maid (Surprise!!) on his aborted trip


Julian 9th saved the earth after the moon men invaded

And it had reverted into a big round desolate mess

Julian 20th was also known as The Red Hawk

And he defeated the hated Kalkars in a heroic quest


An American pilot was shot down by Germans

Only to awaken in Poloda, a distant planet so far

And as Tangor his adventures had just begun

When Burroughs took us beyond the farthest star


Thandar and Nadara starred in The Cave Girl

Jefferson Turck explored The Lost Continent and then

Nu of the Niocene was The Eternal Savage

Number Thirteen escaped from The Monster Men

A Mad King and westerns and Hollywood yarns

Some real good stories and some not so fine

For nearly forty years his typewriter hummed

By some accounts his novel total reached sixty-nine


Edgar Rice Burroughs died at age 75 in 1950

But his popularity and characters continue to thrive

Thanks, in some part, to dum dums like me

Who keep his memory and his creations alive!!!


COLLECTION OF "TARZAN SONGS"

"Trapeze"
Bob Fester


He swings through the vines With the greatest of ease,

Traversing his way through the thick jungle trees.


He wears just a loin cloth, and carries a knife;

Korak's his son, and Jane is his wife.


Beware all you lions and bad quadrapeds;

Get in his way and he'll knuckle your heads!


The King of the Jungle is--a name I can't say,

Or ERB, Inc, will blow me away.

LUNCH
Ghak

There once was a man raised by apes,

Who ate caterpillars like grapes.

What he liked most to eat

Was a hunk of raw meat,

So to hunt, through the jungle he'd traipse.


Tarzan on Trouble Trail
John Martin

Originally published in my Edgardemain contribution to ERBapa 42, Summer 1994.


Tarzan woke up in the jungle one day,

And stretched in the fork of the tree where he lay.

He reached 'neath his loincloth and scratched his behind,

Then let out a bull-ape yell, just to unwind.


He felt a bit hungry, so, grabbing his rope,

He dropped to the ground and took off at a lope;

His nostrils soon told him that breakfast was near,

As he caught the fresh odor of Bara, the deer.


He leaped to a tree limb with greatest of ease,

And in upper terraces soared through the trees.

'Til Bara he found in a clearing below,

and dropped 'round its head a grass rope lasso.


He tightened the noose as the dear gave a start,

And Lord Greystoke hauled up his meal, a la carte;

As he reeled in the deer, Bara wiggled and lurched,

All the way to the tree limb where Tarzan was perched.


A flash of the knife Tarzan's father once wore,

And Bara the deer was a livin' no more;

Tarzan cut out some steaks and, settling back,

Savored his type of a Big Mac attack.


And when he had eaten as much as was wise,

He wiped off the grease from his hands on his thighs;

Then he toted the deer like a tuxedoed waiter,

And buried it deep for another meal later.


The Ape-Man's keen ears then picked up a sound,

So he listened more closely, with head to the ground;

The thuds and the thumps from a faraway trail,

Were read by the Ape-Man like we read our mail.


He could tell a safari was coming his way,

With two evil men who had quite an array

Of ivory stolen from elephants killed,

And pockets which jewels from Opar had filled.


Along with the men was a pretty French lass,

Who wasn't a thief: She had too much class;

Twenty-two natives were toting the loads,

The white men exhorting the bearers with goads.


All of this, tarzan could know for a truth,

By the way that the noises were sounding: Forsooth!

He leaped to his feet with the grimmest of looks,

And set off to deal with this party of crooks.


Now, Tantor the elephant, Tarzan's best friend,

Encountered the men as he rounded a bend;

One man gladly shouted, and grabbed for his gun,

And quickly as elephants can -- Tantor spun.


He let out a bellow and poured on the speed;

This kind of people ol' Tant didn't need;

As he ran from the men in his natural fear,

A bullet nicked Tantor up high in the rear.


The bullet bounced off, but the pain settled in,

And Tantor saw red, and it made Tantor sin;

His pain overwhelmed him; his mind it did fill;

And Tantor desired but one thing: to kill.


He roared down the trail like a lumbering freight,

Where the Ape-Man approached with a jungle-bred gait;

Tarzan knew by the scent that his pachyderm pal

Was not far away, so he let out a yell.


Now, Tarzan's yell usually made Tantor feel good,

But, clouded by rage, it was not understood;

They both saw each other about the same time,

And Tarzan, quite suddenly, felt like a climb!


But 'ere he could leap for a low-hanging limb,

The elephant smacked full-bore right into him;

The force of the blow sent the Ape-Man a flyin'

And soon in a bush he was, unconcsious, lyin'.


Tantor's insanity left him like -- Zap!

But he wandered away with a memory gap;

He didn't realize he had decked Tarmangani,

And waded a river to cool off his fanny.


Tarzan, conked out, in the bush by the trail,

Was found by the men who were on Tantor's tail.

"Look, Jacques, a wild man!" said Slipp'ry Pierre.

"I'll grab his feet, and you grab his hair!"


So, Tarzan was trussed up and tossed in a cage;

At sideshows back home, he'd be all the rage;

They'd earn lots of money as, week after week,

People would pay for a look at the freak.


They camped out that night in a tree-shaded glen,

And drank so much whiskey, they slept in 'til 10;

All morning the natives were playing some tricks,

And poking the "wild man" with spear points and sticks,.


But all this attention the Ape-Man ignored,

And sat like a stoic as the two white men snored;

Finally, the natives gave up on their sport,

And turned to adjusting the packs they would port.


With others ignoring the cage for a spell,

The pris'ner saw coming, a mademoiselle;

Her lipstick was red and her eye shadow, blue;

Tarzan's eyes stuck to the woman like glue.


Her golden hair shimmered beneath the bright sun;

In spite of the jungle, her socks had no run;

Like a queen from the movies, so pert and so perky,

But, best of all, she brought a fistful of jerky.


Now, a free meal the Ape-Man was not one to fault,

And he ate all the jerky in spite of its salt;

The maiden sat watching the Ape-Man's repast,

And her little French ticker began beating fast,.


Then she held up a ribbon, as red as could be,

And tied to the ribbon: A sparkling key.

"I'll open the door and I'll let you go free,

"But first you must promise that you'll rescue me."


"These men are my uncles but, blood ties aside,

"They're scoundrels and villains who've cheated and lied.

"They're not very nice; they ain't no Ralph Naders,

"They're planning to sell me to Arab slave traders."


"I'll help you," said Tarzan. "Just open the door."

She did, and our Tarzan was untamed once more;

He beat on his chest and let out a roar;

The natives all jumped about 10 feet or more.


"He's loose!" cried the head man, in perfect Swahili.

"We'll have him for supper, or my name ain't Pele!"

The natives launched spears, and blew poison darts and

Shot burning arrows at grim, smiling Tarzan.


The Ape-Man quite nimbly sidestepped every missle;

"Ooh la la," said the French girl, and gave out a whistle;

As the final two spears came flying like quips,

Tarzan grabbed one in each of his powerful grips.


Unarmed and outclassed, the natives went white,

And, shrieking and scattering, vanished from sight;

With all of the noise, the drunks finally awoke;

Pierre grabbed his gun and Jacques grabbed a smoke.


"What's going on? It sounds like a fight!"

"Nah, it's the natives; they're restless tonight."

"You idiot! Night? It's already day!

"It's way past the time we should be on our way!"


"Hey listen...it's quiet now. Was it a dream?"

"A little TOO quiet, if you know what I mean."

A foot or two outside the tent, Tarzan lurked;

He speared the tent top and then powerfully jerked.


The tent pegs popped out and the canvas went flying;

Jacques froze in mid knot as his shoe he was tying;

Slipp'ry Pierre was more quick to react,

He raised up his pistol, the hammer pulled back.


Now if he'd been smart he'd have fired a round;

Instead, he told Tarzan to drop to the ground;

The Ape-Man just fired his spear like a shot;

It knocked Pierre's gun right onto the cot.


Then Tarzan grabbed Jacques and gave him a boot,

That sent him cart-wheeling right into the loot;

Pierre turned and grabbed for the gun on the cot,

But he stopped when he heard Tarzan say, "Better not."


The French girl ran up and gave Tarzan some hugs.

"My hero," she sighed, "You've stopped those two thugs."

They stood 'neath the trees, so tall and so leafy;

"Who hugs me?" asked Tarzan; she said, "My name's Fifi."


Just at that moment, there came a new voice:

"Stop hugging Tarzan, the man of MY choice!"

"Good grief," thought the Ape-Man, "it's Jane, with Waziri!"

He pushed the girl from him in one big fat hurry.


Then turning, the Ape-Man dropped open his jaw;

It wasn't his Jane; it was High Priestess La;

And with her were 50 from Opar's elite,

Short, bearded men with bare, stinking feet.


"We've come for our jewels," the high priestess said,

"These fools will soon pay, as their blood will be shed;

"The sun's near its zenith, now bring me those two;

"Stake them out on the ground for the ritual I'll do."


As the 50 Oparians did as she said,

Tarzan walked over to La and he said,

"Hi, La, how's it going? Long time no see."

She smiled at Tarzan and whispered, "Miss me?"


Meanwhile, the high priest, a guy name of Grout,

Was staring at Fifi, with tongue hanging out;

She looked back at him, and as their eyes met,

The rockets went off like the blast from a jet.


She smiled at him, and he smiled at her,

Then she reached out and patted his head full of fur;

He spoke the ape language, and she spoke the French,

But Love is the language that straddles the bench.


La looked at the pair and gave Tarzan a smile;

"I think Grout will leave me alone for awhile!"

"You know, La," said Tarzan, "I really must say,

"In civilized places they don't act this way!"


"They just don't take people without a fair trial,

"And tie them and knife them in sacrifice style;

"These fellows are bad ones; there isn't a doubt,

"But is this the best way to work the thing out?"


"Oh, Tarzan," La chuckled, "for one moment there,

"I almost believed you!" La fussed with her hair.

"Now quit being funny by looking surprised,

"You know very well that I'm NOT civilized!"


"I know," grinned the Ape-Man, "just thought I would see

"If you'd mellowed at all since you tried to knife me.

"Well, I must be going," he said. "It's near noon."

"Oh, Tarzan," said La, "You're leaving -- so soon?"


The Ape-Man just smiled, then took to the trees,

As Fifi told Grout 'bout the birds and the bees;

La stamped her foot and cursed at the air,

Then turned her attention to Jacques and Pierre.


Tarzan, the Jungle Lord, raced through the trees,

'Til there came to his nostrils a spoor on the breeze;

He lifted his voice with a summoning cry,

And heard back the answer, an elephant's sigh.


"Tantor, old boy!" Tarzan saw up ahead,

A massive gray bulk with a friendly gray head.

"Don't worry, old friend, you're forgiven, you know;

"It wasn't your fault, and no other need know."


The elephant ambled, as night followed day,

As Tarzan, at ease, on the great back did lay;

Time to relax and stare up at the moon;

Another adventure was sure to come soon.


PRIDE GOETH . . .Serena Dubois

Said a Perissodactyla one summer's day,

To an Artiodactyla he met on his way,

"I think I'll take a sunning."


His friend, whose experience was wide,

Thought a minute, then replied,

"Trouble lurks on every side,

The native men are gunning."


But the first walked off in scornful pride,

Lay down to nap by the river side,

And thought, "No trouble will betide;

My legs are made for running."


A hunter out on his daily ride,

Saw by the river the striped hide,

Raised up his rifle, true and tried,

And sighted it with cunning.


The proud one rose, and then he tried

To save his life with quickening stride.

The rifle cracked, and then he died.

No more his legs were running.


Said an Artiodactyla not far away

Of the Perissodactyla that died that day,

"That bank's no place for sunning."


Published Parados Vol.1, No.2
Spring 1961 Davis


The Big Fat Boor
Korak

There once was a big fat boor

When I crushed his nose he swore

He tried to flee

I bit his knee

and then I smushed his guts to gore.


He tried to hobble away

Then snarled like a wolf at bay

And then I heard him say,

"I'll crush your bones to the core!"


I cut a hole into his head

Then stuck a feather where it bled

I tickled his brain

He laughed in pain

Until he fell over dead.


Thark Song
From the Princess of Mars musical
By Steven Vance Wadding

Inspired by "Jet Song" from "West Side Story"

When you're a Thark,

You're a Thark all the way

From the day that you hatch

To your pilgrimage day.


When you're a Thark,

If you catch a red man,

As he's tortured, you laugh,

You're an unfeeling man!


You're never alone,

You're never disconnected!

You're home with your own:

When company's expected,

You're well protected!


Then you are set

With a capital T,

Which you'll never forget

Till the Iss you go see.

When you're a Thark,

You stay a Thark!



A Special Occasion in the Jungle
John "Bridge" Martin

He read the little bugs upon the pages of the books,

And thus his learning got an early start;

He figured out his ABCs and soon was reading words,

And 'fore too long the orphan boy was smart.


He read a book that told him things the British folk held dear,

And one of them was love for one's own mum.

In fact, on Mothering Sunday, British kids would visit her,

And have a little pudding made of plum.


So Tarzan went and gathered up some beetles and some grubs,

And picked some fruit he found along the way,

And dropped them into Kala's lap and hugged her hairy head,

And told his mommy: "Happy Mothers Day!"


Yet Another Limerick Thing...

If lim'ricks are not yet passe

Let's have all that you coulda say

Do it on Mars

Or from 'Frisco bars

But do it the Burroughs way!


There once was a kid, Carthoris.

His father was quite enormous,

In Pol'tics Bizarre,

On the red planet Mars,

All for one and then swords us!


Don't tell me Jad-bal-ja's a cat

He was way, way, much more than that!

Dear Tweety did look

And then he did book

"I saw me a damn puddy-cat!"


I've seen the great Ocean Omean,

A dreary, dark, dismally scene,

Where First Born are shored

With fliers--no oars!

And gals become goddess cusine!


In the jungle there comes an attack

On natives, their schooling alack,

Who scream very loud

When a noose drops around

Their necks from ambushed attack.


A lim'rick is poem sublime

To gen'rate a line of rhyme

Asides here and there

Issued with care

Amusing--most of the time!


Don't make me participate

My rhymes are usually fake--

I can tell a bad joke

"See that pig in a poke?"

I think you can really relate!


ODE TO SOME OF THE WOMEN OF PELLUCIDAR
By Bridge

I don't want to romance Rhump,

Nor spoon with Sloo, nor nuzzle Shrud;

Nor listen to a fugue with Fooge,

Or watch Grum chew, as on a cud;

And poor ol' Gluck is outa luck,

Don't want these gals -- their names are mud.