Exploring the Life and Works of Edgar Rice Burroughs

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(A Dialogue Between Tarzan and his Mate)

David Arthur Adams

“Oh, Tarzan dearest, it’s time to get up,” Jane croons sweetly.

“Umph” comes from the musty pile of mashed down leaves.

“Oh, Tarzan, I have a nice haunch of bara, dripping red blood for breakfast.”

One eye opens.

“Come on, Tarzan, it’s time to get up. The sun has been up for two minutes already.”

“Gorpf, Grizzle, Gomph.”

“Come on, Jad Guru, I have something for you to do.”


“Cheeta made a mess again on the bamboo slats.”

“Grashu warsh chimp.”

“Now, Tarzan, you know what I said about bringing those animals into the house. You know the rules. You agreed.”

“Grambo zok.”

“TARZAN! It’s time for spring cleaning—this place looks like a horta sty.”

“Tand zungo horta.”

”Now here’s your slab of bara. Don’t get blood all over the table.”

“Fwhisle, frompf. Yum!”

“And will you please stop with the ape jabbering. I know you speak 35 languages and native dialects.”

“For your information, that’s 29 languages or dialects: mangani, French, English, Arabic, German, Latin, Dutch, Portuguese, ancient Mayan, Waziri, the mongrel tongue of the West Coast, Swahili, Pithecanthropus, the sign language of the Alalus, Minunian, Bagalla, Bagego, Gilak, Athenian, Bansuto, Utenga, Bukena, Buiroo, Zuli, Kaji, Bantango, Gantu, Babango, and African drum language that I’m about to play on your ass.”

“What did you say?”

“Nothing, dear. Where did you say that ape crap was?”

“Over by the potted palm. Sometimes I wonder why you didn’t just stay Lord Greystoke, and I could have a dozen maids to clean up after you.”

“I AM Lord Greystoke.”

“O yes, great Lord Greystoke, living in a tree house, running around the jungle with your low-life friends. Most of them are no better than animals.”

“Most of them are animals.”

“Yes, I know, and I’m sick and tired of talking to those stupid monkeys. All they ever do is steal fruit and crap all over the floor.”

“They can’t help it, and if you don’t like my friends, why don’t you make some of your own?”

“Oh, make friends with the Waziri I suppose? You are the “King of the Waziri” for all the good that does us.”

“Come on, Jane, they are our friends, loyal and strong. Why the son of Muviro was crucified for your sake.”

“Well, he died for your sins, not mine. If I had anything to say about it, we’d be back in England living off the fat of the land.”

“Jane, I don’t know what has gotten into you. Are you having your period?”

“Oh, sure, blame it on me. I’m just a hysterical woman. Never mind that I have lived in the jungle for over 100 years on these immortality pills.”

“I did it because I love you.”

“Oh, Tarzan, you know I love you too.”

“Tarzan loves Jane.”